Twoey's 38 week appointments

Today was appointment day...we took Twoey for her ultrasound and biophysical profile this morning, and she passed with flying colors! She was moving and breathing well, and we did get a few photos I will try to scan and share. Twoey has been very low - it used to be that her face was even with the placenta, but now she has descended so much that the placenta is even with her belly.

This afternoon, we met with the midwife. This was one of my favorite midwives, and today was her last day with the practice. So, she will definitely NOT be delivering Twoey. The good news is that the midwife who delivered Micah will be covering hospital hours over the next few weeks, so she may be delivering Twoey! I like one of the other two midwives on call - the third one is not so friendly, though.

As for my appointment, at 38 weeks, my belly is measuring 34 weeks...and shrinking. I haven't put on any weight, and I've been having horrible nausea again. The contractions are pretty regular, but I don't seem to be making any progress. I'm about 2 cm dilated and 70-80% effaced, so no real progress from last week. I'm pretty disappointed. She didn't think it was a good time to strip my membranes - she did stretch my cervix to hope to stir things up. I had to be hooked up to the machines for an NST (non-stress test) and little Miss Twoey flunked at first. I had to stay hooked up a while longer - they eventually let me go (because she was being cooperative this morning), but all she wanted to do was sleep this afternoon.

I really hope things start to move - I'm so uncomfortable right now with all the contractions, and I'm starting to worry that I won't go into labor on my own (side effect of those stupid progesterone shots I had to take). Inductions require needles, and I really don't want to go that route. So...hope little Miss Twoey decides to make an appearance. My only thought is that she is holding out for June 15 - the one day I didn't want her to arrive because it is my brother's birthday, my parents' anniversary, and every few years it is also Father's Day!

We had a really good day with Micah today - he seems much less grumpy, he napped well, and he went to bed easily. Hopefully a good sign!

Still Here

Well, I'm still here...hanging in there. I cannot believe little Miss Twoey has not made her arrival yet!! I've been having fairly regular contractions for the past several days, and they've been about 2 minutes apart for the last 24 hours or so. I'm having a fair amount of pain and discomfort, and frankly, I'm ready to get this show on the road! We are about as ready as we are going to get - house is clean and in order, the necessities are washed, the car seat is in the car, the hospital bag is packed, and we are probably about as on top of our work as we are going to get. I should probably do about another month worth of work before labor hits, but hey, I've actually accomplished more than I expected so far. Now...if we could just come up with a name for Twoey!

This week has been a little better. My mom seems to be regaining her strength, and I'm trying to move forward with everything in my life, too. Yesterday was a good day with Micah. He woke up at 3:15 am screaming again, but he was laying down the entire time, so I decided to see if he could put himself back to sleep. Luckily, he was only awake about 15 minutes and then slept until about 7:30 or so. Still not perfect, but it was progress! Of course, I felt like a horrible mom the entire time for not going in to comfort him, but he was just upset, not hysterical, and I had a feeling that going in to his room would just make it all worse and have him up all night. I just don't want him to develop a 3:00 am wake up habit and think that is snuggle time with mommy and daddy.

I haven't been spending as much time on Tuesdays and Thursdays with Micah since our babysitter, Christin, started a few weeks ago. It has been a great opportunity for me to get some things accomplished and take care of myself, but...I have been missing my Micah time! So, I decided to take the morning (perhaps one of my last with only 1 child) and spend some time with Micah. For our morning activity, I scheduled a haircut for Micah. We walked over there, got his hair cut, and then stopped off at a park to play. Christin helped with the chasing, but we had a fun time together! He gave me kisses, and he seemed fascinated by the other children. He saw one boy drinking water from a bottle, and he wanted one, too, so I gave him his milk. Then, the boy started to eat one of those sippy pouches of fruit. Luckily, I had one on hand, and Micah downed that, too. He then seemed ravenous, so I gave him a cheese stick. Unfortunately, he was still hungry and was searching through the bags for more food. I happened to remember that the restaurant across the street has a kids' performer and lunch every Tuesday, so we popped across the street. We missed the performer, but we were able to join in for the lunch special. Micah ate pita and hummus and a few french fries (okay, the fries are not super healthy, but he did already eat cheese, fruit and veggies before this, and I gave him whole wheat pita and hummus).

After lunch, the three of us headed back home. We immediately put Micah down for his nap and I went back to getting some work done. I was having horrible contractions and struggling with nausea, so the afternoon was a bit rough for me. Normally, Micah sleeps about 2.5- 3 hours. Naturally, 50 minutes after we put him down for his nap, the screaming began! I had Christin go get him, and I could hear that he was in a horrible mood.

I came upstairs to help out for a bit...and he was just a mess. I took him and hugged him for a while, but he was still yelling. I am fairly certain this is teething pain, but this has been going on quite some time. I decided to give him some Tylenol, and then I administered the next best medication I know...Sesame Street. I usually hate to use tv as a soothing device, but sometimes....well, it works. I flipped on the tv, Micah put his thumb in his mouth and curled up on top of me. After a little while, I scooted away from Micah (and let Christin sneak in to cuddle with him). I decided to make him some popsicles (I did 2 yogurt/applesauce and 2 applesauce) because I thought perhaps the cold would help his gums. I then went back downstairs and went back to work. I told Christin she should take him outside after the show ended - either for a walk or to play "basketball." I heard them go outside, and I could hear Micah screaming a bit. I checked on him - apparently, he wanted to sit and play in the bike trailer, and probably wanted to go for a ride. They stayed outside for about 30-40 minutes, and then Christin brought him in because it was so buggy outside. Micah was protesting loudly, but he brought his basketball inside. I came upstairs to play with them for a bit. I made a "basket" with my arms and showed Micah he could play that way. He actually giggled! Then I showed him how to bounce the ball, which is apparently hysterically funny. He spent the next 40 minutes throwing and bouncing the ball.

Christin left at 5:00, and Micah and I continued to play. He started to get grumpy again and he was banging on one of the cabinets, so I assumed that meant he was hungry. Lately, feeding him has been a challenge. I offered him a cracker and he threw it on the ground. I gave him a graham cracker, and he smashed that in his hands and screamed. I asked him if he wanted cheese, and he shook his head "NO." I asked if he wanted strawberries - again, I got a no. I opened the cabinet again and Micah lunged for the bag of raisins. I tried to give him a few raisins, but he threw a fit because he wanted to hold the bag and take the raisins out himself. I decided it wasn't worth the battle, so I let him have the bag of raisins. He sat on the floor happily munching on raisins for a while, but then started to get upset again. I offered him some cereal (we struggled over the box - he just wanted to dump cereal from the box on the floor), and then I decided that I would just feed him dinner because it was almost 6. I pulled out some turkey for him - and he was throwing it back at me before I even got it on his tray. I cleared that off and offered him some kidney beans...and again, those hit the floor. At this point, I got a bit frustrated. I put some fish sticks in to cook and I went in search of something for Micah to munch on while we waited. The cereal flew, crackers were smashed, and there was much yelling and screaming. I cut up a few strawberries, and Micah went to town on those.

A little after 6, Elliot walked through the door. Thankfully, he took over feeding our grumpy little bugger. He figured out that Micah did want the kidney beans - as long as he could eat them with a fork. Micah also ate a few fish sticks, followed up by a peach. In the end, he had a very good dinner. After dinner, Micah started to get cranky again, so Elliot took him on a walk. Christin returned around 7:30 (we had to go to a new student meeting at the preschool), and I warned her that Micah might be difficult at bedtime. Elliot returned with Micah and we took off for the preschool meeting. It went well - we met several other parents whose children will be in class with Micah next year (it turns out, I already know two of them), and we received copies of all the forms we need to fill out and submit in the next few months. When we got home, we learned that Micah went to bed immediately...and much to our amazement, he slept soundly until 8:15 this morning (and played quietly in bed until 8:30).

Today has been rather uneventful - I had a rough night dealing with all the contractions, but apparently it was not enough to send me into full labor. I'm still contracting and uncomfortable, but no need to run to the hospital yet. Micah is at daycare and I have been focusing on getting some last-minute work done. I also ran out and met my mom and dad for lunch.

About 10 minutes ago, they called today from the crematorium...Nugget's remains should be ready today. I just cried all over again. I am still missing that little stinker!! We went out and bought one of those little surface brooms - we have a lot of mess we need to start cleaning. I'm not ready to have that box of her ashes here...I guess I'll just have to face that soon enough.

Progress

Today was a LONG day...Micah decided to wake up screaming at 5:00 am. Quite unusual for him, but his sleep habits lately have been a bit erratic. It is either from teething or because he senses some changes, but I have no idea! We tried bringing him into bed with us for a while, but Micah wanted to get up and play. By 6:00 or so, Elliot bit the bullet and agreed to let me sleep and bring Micah downstairs. I slept until about 8 and then joined them.

We took Micah to daycare after breakfast (and Micah was definitely difficult about breakfast again). It was a crazy day for me - we had a conference call for work at 11, and then I needed to go to my condo to wait for a cleaning service to clean the carpet and the HVAC repair guy to come and fix the broken AC. Luckily, the issue with the AC was fairly minor - apparently, one of the wires on the contact circuit burned out and just needed to be replaced. So, the AC is working again, the carpet is clean, and my condo is ready for sale! While we were waiting on the carpet cleaning, we had our architect come and meet us so we could review the bid from our contractor. We had a few questions we need to nail down, but we are in a good place, and we've okayed our architect to move forward and finalize things and start applying for permits!

When Micah got home from daycare, he wanted to play out back for a while - he was busy playing "basketball" - and he was just so cute!! He loves to throw the ball through the hoop and clap each and every time. We dragged him inside after 20 minutes to feed him dinner (I think Micah would live outside if he could). Unfortunately, he started to melt down while we tried to feed him dinner. He threw the chicken on the floor, and the cheerios, and he did not want to eat much fruit. He was just grumpy, and we were shocked that he refused the food. After a screaming fit, I decided that he was probably exhausted since he woke up at 5:00 am. We decided we would plop him in front of the tv to watch an episode of Word World before bed. At 7:45, Elliot took Micah upstairs for an early bath and bed. For the second night in a row, he screamed his head off at bedtime before crashing. I wish I knew what was going on with him!! Anyway, he has been sleeping soundly so far - I hope he is just exhausted and sleeps through the night tonight.

Things went pretty well for my mom today at her appointments. The good news is the gastroenterologist thinks he knows what is wrong and believes the issue is her stomach. The bad news is she has to go through several more tests to figure out how he wants to proceed with treating her, and it could be a bit of time before she really bounces back. She is having some other bloodwork done to see if there are any other crazy things going on that could be causing her exhaustion. Tomorrow she will go see her cardiologist and do a quick follow-up to make sure everything is in order. She has bloodwork and follow-up tests scheduled later this week, so hopefully she'll get more answers and a plan of action by next week.

As for me...well, Twoey seems to be clawing her way out tonight. I'm having regular contractions and a lot of pain and pressure and tons of sharp stabbing pains. We'll see if this is just another rough night or for real.

Adjusting

I'm having a difficult time adjusting to life without my dog. It probably sounds crazy to you...especially those of you who do not have pets. I find myself looking for Nugget - unconsciously. I wake up in the night and notice she isn't on the bed, so I sit up and search the room for her...until I remember that she is gone. I find myself glancing around the room and searching for her throughout the day, or checking my path as I walk to the bathroom to be sure I avoid tripping over her. I pause to hold the gate open as I go up the stairs to make sure that she can get through and follow me...only to realize that she isn't there to follow me. I wake up at a noise in the early morning, and I peer over the edge of the bed, expecting Nugget to be there pawing at the side of the bed to tell me she is ready to get up and start the day. I miss her crazy "burrowing" that she does every morning when we all wake up, and her digging on the bed covers at night to make a comfortable spot for herself. I notice the odd silence (lack of jingling from her tags) and wonder what she has gotten into, and then remember why it is so quiet in the house. I find myself doing the defensive moves to rescue fallen food from the floor and grabbing stray dishes so that Nugget doesn't have a chance to get in there and steal it...and then realize the food is safe now. Out of habit, I gave Micah a cheese stick earlier today and immediately picked him up and put him on the couch and started to stand guard so Nugget didn't steal it from him - and then realized he could walk freely around the house (and even put the stick down on the coffee table) without any worries right now.

I've also learned that Nugget might have been the best housekeeper in this family - in the 3 days since her passing, this house has become a complete and utter mess! There are trails of crumbs and food all over the place - my carpet has never looked so disgusting! After 12 years, I have apparently developed horrible habits as well - I noticed today as I was eating a graham cracker and leaving a trail behind me that I had grown to rely on my furry little hoover who always stood right beneath me to catch my crumb trail. We are going to have to re-learn new habits, and quickly!

I have to say, I thought Micah would show more visible signs of missing Nugget. He doesn't really seem to look for her or call her at all. I think he has already moved on, but perhaps that is for the best. In the next few months, we will be turning his world upside down - first, his dog is gone, next, we will be bringing a baby home, and then we will be moving from the only house he has ever known. I hope he is able to easily adjust.

In slightly better news, my mom was released from the hospital on Friday afternoon. I'm being a bit cautious about writing this out because we still never seemed to get a firm diagnosis and she is still not feeling great. Since Friday, she has been extremely tired. I understand sickness can wipe you out, but I'm still a bit worried - I would like to see her regain her energy again. She has a bunch of doctors appointments to go to this week, so perhaps we will get some more definitive answers. All we know is that she has been dealing with nausea and stomach issues, that she can eat and function while she is on a ton of anti-nausea meds, and they found fluid in her lungs so they told her it was pneumonia and put her on two antibiotics. They have not yet confirmed by xray that the fluid in her lungs has cleared up (in fact, it had gotten worse on Thursday). I'm hoping at least we can get that cleared up this week.

Micah was a bear to put to bed tonight - he fought and cried for about 45 minutes. We had to go back in a few times, but he just did not want us to leave him alone tonight. I guess I can understand that - some nights, I hate to leave him, too. Micah has been talking more and more every day. He has been stringing two words together (sit down, get out) at times, and he is repeating a lot of words. He has been loving tennis, and he dutifully cheered with me for Rafael Nadal as he won his 5th French Open title today. Every time Rafa hit the ball, Micah would raise his arms and yell "Go!" He saw an apple on my shirt today (I got it at the grand opening of an Apple Store years ago) and he spent the night pointing at it and saying "apple." He seems to be repeating letters of the alphabet when we show them in a book or on some of the TV shows like Sesame Street and Between the Lions. He also seems to be recognizing some numbers. We have been counting backwards from 20 or 10 every time we change his diaper (he seems to enjoy it and it keeps him still until we get to 1 - not sure why, but it works). The last few days, he tries to count with us - he repeats some of the numbers, and a few times I even *think* he might have said a number or two with me!

As for me - well, I'm shocked this baby hasn't arrived yet, but a little relieved because I'm not sure how I could handle it. I've been contracting every 4-5 minutes for most of the past few days. I've had periods when the contractions are stronger, but they do not seem to be converting into full-blown labor yet. I am having a lot of pain/discomfort from the baby when I stand, so I keep thinking we are close. I just hope after all this pre-term labor nonsense I don't end up going PAST my due date! I really thought she would arrive today. My next guess is June 15, since that is the date for everything else...my parents' anniversary, my brother's birthday, and every few years it is Father's Day, too. I really hope I have the baby this week, though - I have a conference I am supposed to present at on June 26!

So...I'm hanging in there. I'm feeling pretty down a lot - still having some random crying fits here and there. I really hope all of this pre-baby stress doesn't turn into post-partum depression for me. I'm just worn down right now, and definitely feeling a little blue from everything. I am trying my best to pick myself up by my boot straps, though, but right now it is feeling like a challenge.

Goodbye, Nugget

My dog died tonight. I'm not even sure where to begin, or exactly what to say. I'm still pretty shocked and devastated. As you all know, we found out in early April that she was suffering from congestive heart failure. I knew her time was limited...but somehow I thought we had more time. They stabilized her on medication, and all seemed to be going well. On May 24, I noticed that Nugget's breathing was a bit more labored and she was coughing a tad. I took her in to the vet, and he confirmed that fluid was backing up in her lungs again. At that point, I knew that if we could not maintain her for even 6 weeks on medication, her time was likely limited.

The vet increased her Lasix and sent her home. Over the next days, she seemed much better. She was coughing less frequently, and her breathing seemed to ease up a bit. I brought her in for a re-check the following Wednesday, and the vet decided to keep her on the higher dose of Lasix until this week. She was due for a re-check again this week, but I had noticed her breathing was a bit more labored again and she was waking up in the morning with a cough. I was fairly certain that they would not be reducing her medication as hoped, and I wondered if she would need an even higher dose of medication or a trip back to the cardiologist.

I took Nugget to the vet around 1:30 today. He noted that she had a slight fever, and suggested that he keep her overnight (at his house) and monitor her. He felt that she likely had an infection and he wanted to keep track of her and put her on antibiotics and monitor her breathing and coughing. I gave him a whole list of information about my dog...how she steals food, that she is deaf, and I warned him about all the trouble she was likely to cause him. After giving him my laundry list, I reluctantly agreed to leave her and headed back home without my dog. I called up around 3:30 to confirm that she still had a fever. The doctor spoke to me and said he really thought she had a mild infection and he thought from her breathing and lack of coughing that she was stable and fine. Elliot went to pick her up right around 5:00 pm.

I was thrilled to have Nugget home again, but as she sat here, I became convinced she was not doing well. Her breathing seemed very labored, and I definitely thought it almost sounded like a rattle. She sounded as awful as she did that night I brought her to the emergency hospital. Around 6:30 or so, I told Elliot that I thought I should bring Nugget to the hospital. He thought I should give the antibiotics more time to work. We debated a bit, and then I decided that I'd feed her dinner early and give her pills a bit early and see if that improved her breathing.

I went to give her the chewable pill...and she refused it. I immediately knew she was quite sick. I got the rest of her pills and put them in her mouth - she refused to swallow them, and then she threw up. At this point, Elliot confessed to giving her some fatty meat from his lamb ribs, and I was so angry. I managed to get the meds in her, but she still refused to eat. Micah was being really cranky and making a ton of noise and agitating the dog, so I asked Elliot to take him out for a bit so that I could try and calm Nugget back down again.

Nugget just seemed lethargic and restless at the same time. She wouldn't sit still, but I kept thinking she was unsteady and seemed off. I called Elliot and told him I was going to the hospital, and he asked me to wait until he and Micah returned. They came back around 7:15 or so. Elliot was convinced that Nugget was doing better and I should wait a bit and see if she was feeling better after vomiting. I noticed that Nugget was not running from Micah, and she just sort of stayed in one place. I agreed to wait until Elliot put Micah to bed before I left for the hospital.

Elliot took Micah upstairs a few minutes after 8. Nugget had moved to the foot of the steps and sort of sprawled out, and Micah had been rolling around and kissing and hugging her just before bed. I kept thinking Nugget was giving me these "help me mommy" looks all night, and I was worried that she was not eating dinner and not trying to run from Micah. I planned on leaving immediately, but Elliot asked that I wait so he could send us off. I think I waited because I knew that it might be his only chance to say goodbye.

He came down around 8:15 or 8:20, and I had Nugget on a leash. She wouldn't walk herself outside, and I knew it was not a good sign. I picked her up, and she vomited again...but this time, there was some watered down blood. I just knew that the night wasn't going to end well. Elliot quickly grabbed a cloth diaper for me to take with us, and I carried Nugget to the car. I placed her on the seat next to me, and she didn't even try to move into a more comfortable position - she just stayed exactly as I placed her. I started the drive to the vet, and about 2 blocks into the drive, she vomited again - she didn't even try to move out of the vomit. I was watching the dog when I suddenly realized I'd veered across 3 lanes of traffic and nearly killed us both. I then stayed focused on the road and kept one hand on Nugget. She was very still and breathing very shallow and heavily. She was making choking sounds and she spit up a few more times. I just knew she would never make it to the hospital.

The hospital is about 3-4 miles away. We were about 1 mile or so into the drive when Nugget started to get quieter. The rattling sound stopped, and her breathing remained shallow but slowed. I started to cry because I knew she was dying. I kept telling her to hang in there and begged her not to die. I told her that I loved her. Her breathing continued to slow and there were long pauses between her breaths. She stopped blinking her eyes, and she twitched a few times. I then realized that the pauses between her breaths were just too long. And then I didn't feel any more breaths at all. At this point, I was a little more than halfway to the hospital. I stopped at a light, and I just knew she had died. I started to wail and sob uncontrollably. I could barely see in front of me. I took my hand off of Nugget and grabbed my cell phone to call Elliot. I couldn't even speak, I was just sobbing.

A few minutes later I arrived at the hospital. I was sobbing so loudly and I felt like I couldn't breathe. I walked around to the passenger side of the car and scooped Nugget up into my arms. I walked inside, wailing and sobbing. When they asked me what was wrong, I simply said "I think my dog just died." They took her from me and they took her in the back...and confirmed that Nugget died.

The rest is sort of a blur...talking about cremation or asking me if I wanted to bring her body back home. I asked if I could see her again and say goodbye. They brought her in to me, and she lay on the table, wrapped in a blanket. She was still warm and her fur was so soft. If I didn't know better, I could almost believe she was just sleeping. I kissed her goodbye and I stroked her fur for a few minutes. Someone came in to talk to me some more about my choices, and I'm not really sure what I said. Cremation is something I do not believe in (religious reasons), yet...I couldn't see how I would take her body home with me. I don't know where I would bury her (in our small backyard that we will be tearing apart soon for renovations, not to mention that I kind of hate the house and hope to sell it one day? At my parents' house? At my cousins' farm?) I kept imagining her rotting in the heat in the car overnight because I didn't know what to do with her. I couldn't exactly put her on the couch until morning, or carry her up to our bed, or keep her in the fridge until I figured out what to do either. And then I imagined Elliot with a shovel in the dark trying to dig out a grave. All of the options just seemed so awful to me - it was almost laughable. Part of me wanted to look into a pet cemetery...but I think the cost for maintaining a grave is a little crazy, too. I was just in such shock. I could have told them to hold on to her body until I decide, too, but I just didn't think it would get easier to decide later.

All I've been able to think about is that I really didn't take advantage of the time I had left with Nugget. I should have cuddled with her more, and paid more attention to her. I was content to just let her be - rest and sleep and not interact with her sometimes. Even tonight, when she kept looking at me with those sad eyes, I spent a lot of the night just watching her, letting her be by herself. I checked my computer, I made some phone calls, and I read books to Micah. I should have picked her up and held her, or curled up next to her on the floor to pet her. I hope she knew I was concerned and that she didn't feel alone.

The hardest part was walking away with her sitting there on that table, wrapped in the blanket. I just left my baby alone there. I felt horrible that, even though she died, her body was alone. It started to feel really morbid to stay with her and touch her, but I hated to just leave her like that. And yet, I did. My Nugget is gone, and right now, she is sitting alone at that animal hospital. And I'm sending her to be cremated, and that just seems horrible to me, too.

I have never really believed in a "heaven" - I like the thought, but it just isn't part of my belief system. Tonight, I hope I'm really wrong about that, and I hope that Nugget has found my Grammy up in a heaven somewhere - I know how much my Grammy loved her, and they would take great care of each other. So, I hope Nugget is happily snuggled in Grammy's lap, maybe stealing food from the snack bowl. But...I just miss her, and wish I had more time with her. I always thought she'd live to a ripe old age. I wanted Micah to spend more time with her, and I wanted her to continue to be our family hoover. I wanted Nugget to meet Twoey, and I wanted Twoey to develop a love for dogs because of Nugget's presence in the house. But, most of all, I wanted to keep my first baby with me as long as I could. Nugget has been with me for 12 years...from law school graduation, through my first legal job, through unemployment and starting my business, through bad relationships, through a good relationship, through marriage and through a baby. For many years, she was THE reason I got up in the morning and got myself out of bed. She is the first thing I think about when I wake up in the middle of the night, and she has been my focus for so long. I just feel like there is this big, gaping hole in my heart...and my life.