A break from the sad

I've spent so much time lately blogging about the sad stuff on Caring Bridge that I have spent very little time focusing on Micah and Maya. I have to say, they are doing amazingly well! This time has been so hard on them - I'm gone so much, they have been dragged back and forth to the hospitals, and their routines have been interrupted. This week, our new nanny started, so Micah's world is in a bit of upheaval.

So, here is an update on them. Micah is now 20 months old...his language skills are starting to explode, and he is an endless source of joy for me during a terrible time. He is definitely in the midst of the terrible twos - he is stubborn and difficult and throws many tempertantrums. He likes things the way he likes them, and he is not afraid to yell about it. He spends much of his time begging to watch "Elmo, peas." His obsession with Elmo grows stronger with each passing day. He loves raisins, and insists on eating them from the bag. He sometimes likes to eat with a fork, and other times gets mad if we cut his food. Lately, he loves eating whole fruit...the whole apple, or the whole peach - no more "baby pieces" for Micah. He is starting to repeat lots of words - he uses words like keys, nice and mess. When he says "nice" he usually walks over and pets someone on the head. He also knows to point to his shirt or the floor when it is covered with food and say "mess." He is full of love, hugs, and kisses, and will still respond and say "ME" with the most adorable expression on his face every time I ask "who's cute?" He is finally starting to warm up to Maya - he calls her baby, and a few times he has even used her name. He tries to snuggle with her and give her kisses now and again...although he still occasionally bops her on the head or drops a remote on her. He can now point to and identify most of his family members, and he is very well versed in his body parts. I love how he says "mouth," "nose," "teeth" and "eyes." I find it interesting that he can point to his head, ears, chin, hair, feet, hands, elbows and a few other parts, but he never uses those words. I am unsure how many teeth he has as he will not let me anywhere near his mouth to count them. I'd guess he has at least 12 by now, possibly more.

Maya is growing each day by leaps and bounds. Now that she is on Prevacid, she is a fairly easy-going baby (except for about 1/2 hour from 5:30-6:00 pm). She is at a great stage right now - she sits and smiles and chuckles and coos at me all day long. She will go anywhere, and will let anyone hold her. She is not particularly fond of the car, but she seems to be getting a little better. Her eyelashes are getting nice and long, and she is just truly a happy baby. She has been rolling over from belly to back since she was 5 weeks old. She has amazing head control, and I think she can sit unassisted for like 10-15 seconds at a time! I think Micah was 4 or 5 months old before he could do that. At her 2 month checkup, she weighed 10 lbs and measured 22 1/2 inches. She is still wearing newborn sized clothes, but should be in the 0-3 month size soon. Best of all - she is an amazing sleeper. She naps well all day, and she sleeps 10-12 hours a night! Our biggest challenge with her is feeding...she has a sucking/swallowing problem, which makes both nursing and bottle feeding a challenge. Her problem has been diagnosed as "disorganized sucking" - it is a problem most common in preemies who are born before their suck reflex has developed. In short, she has a very hard time figuring out how to suck properly. Her tongue is usually in the wrong place, and sometimes she chokes. She also has an overly strong gag reflex, so that makes everything a bit more difficult. Because of these challenges, she is unable to take a bottle (well, she has taken a bottle on a few occasions, but most of the time she cannot get organized and get the suck-swallow pattern together without choking on the bottle), and she spends a lot of time smacking up my nipples while she nurses. We just got her evaluated by the state program, and hope that they will be able to improve this issue for us.

It still talks!

I'm sure you will all be happy to know that my pump still talks. Ever since the baby arrived, I have been fairly torn about whether or not I should pump. I struggled with milk supply when I had Micah, and one of the mistakes I made was letting things go too long before I began to pump. I swore that this time, I would not make that same mistake.

In the hospital, before we even arrived at our room, I requested a pump. I had everything set up and ready to go "just in case." Much to my surprise, the baby latched really well at her first nursing session. She fell asleep for about 6 hours after that, but the lactation consultant said that they advise moms of preemies who will be exclusively pumping not to begin pumping until the 6 hour mark. She further suggested that if the baby latched well again and stayed on for 20-30 minutes, that she felt that I should hold off on pumping and only pump if the baby refused to latch or nurse.

Right at the 6 hour mark, we had another great nursing session. The baby continued to latch at least every 3 hours for 20-60 minutes each time. She had the requisite number of wet diapers (and stools, too), and by morning everyone was telling me how well she was nursing and how perfectly everything was going. In the back of my head, however, I kept wondering if it was just too good to be true. I mentioned my supply issues and my concerns, and most felt that if I were to face supply issues, it would likely not crop up for a little while as I should easily be able to meet the baby's early demand...I just might start to fall behind later. It made sense to me, so I decided to trust the "experts." Besides...I always hated pumping, and in the early days, you pump and pump and NOTHING comes out until after your milk starts to come in - who needs that frustration?

At the end of day two, I began to get nervous again. It was our first sign of trouble...salmon colored urine in the diapers. It is a sign that the baby is passing uric acid and not getting enough fluid. Once we saw that with Micah, everything went downhill quickly, so I was fairly concerned. We spoke to the nurse and to the doctor, and everyone pretty much told us it was "nothing" - just feed the baby more often. I asked about supplementing and I asked about pumping, and everyone felt that the baby was doing a great job on her own and I should just trust that it would be okay.

The salmon-colored diapers continued all day on Sunday (and even this morning). She is supposed to be passing 3 stools a day, and she has barely been doing one since Saturday (she did 3 on Friday, and then 1 on Saturday morning, 1 on Sunday morning and none since then). She is definitely hitting the requisite number of wet diapers, but I think my supply might be the issue. we called our pediatrician and we are going in later today for an appointment, but over the phone they said I should start supplementing.

So, this morning, after she nursed on one side, I bit the bullet...and got cozy with my pump. And yes, it still talks. I think it is still pretty salty, too. It started out telling me to "Let it go" and then it called me "Whacko." When my pump switched to the faster pumping setting, it started to tell me to "back up" - since it was hurting, I decided the pump was asking me to turn down the tempo to a lower speed, and I happily obliged. Then it started to say "back hoe" - I'm thinking it was trying to make conversation about our upcoming renovations?

After all of that pumping...I barely got 5ccs. I hate pumping! I know that I did breastfeed shortly before pumping, and that the pump does not do as good a job getting the colostrum out, but I just find the whole process so discouraging! I ended up giving the baby all 5ccs, and I called the pediatrician to discuss her salmon-colored diapers. The pediatrician who had answered the phone read me the riot act about not supplementing yet, and how it was necessary and the baby would get sick and dehydrate...so after giving her the 5ccs, I caved and gave her another 10ccs of formula. I decided that maybe that would be all she would need to "get over the hump" and I would wait and see what they said at her doctor's appointment.

At 2:30, we headed to her appointment. We saw a different doctor, and he thought she looked great and maybe put on an ounce or two. I was just thrilled she is no longer losing weight! We discussed the salmon-colored diapers, and he thought that it was not a big deal before my milk came in, especially since she was gaining weight. He thought her color looked good and everything else was perfect. Naturally, after our long discussion about her lack of normal urine, he checked her diaper and...you guessed it - a beautiful yellow-colored urine-filled diaper! The little stinker made me into a liar...or at least one of those crazy, hypochondriac parents. I am pleased to report she has had two more normal diapers since our appointment, so it looks like all the extra nursing (or perhaps the touch of formula this morning) did the trick. Now, we just need to get her pooping again...she has not pooped since about 5:00 am on Sunday morning. I'm sure when we have a nasty diaper, I'll be regretting WISHING for more poop, but what else can I do? We will return to the doctor on Thursday for another weight check. Hopefully, she'll continue to do well.

In the meantime, Micah shows absolutely NO INTEREST in his sister. I did manage to snap a few photos of him nearby - I'll try to post them soon. We've been doing well during the days - she is nursing easily and so far I'm trying not to worry about my supply. Elliot and I have been trying to take turns caring for each of the kids, and my parents have come by a few times to help out with the baby. She seems to get very sleepy in the late afternoon/early evening, and then is wide awake from about 10:30 until 3:00 am. Last night, she just did not want to be put down, and I was exhausted - since Wednesday night, I had only had 5 hours of sleep - TOTAL. I finally just latched her on, propped myself up in bed, and the two of us took a 3 hour nap together that way. Yes, I know it is a bad idea to sleep in bed that way, but we needed our rest, and I just could not figure out another way to make it work because she wanted Mommy and no one else to hold her. Hopefully, tonight will be easier, but we shall see.

She has been nursing VERY frequently all day today. The little lady has such sensitive skin - she has completely scratched up her face with her fingernails, and every time she rubs up against something she gets these terrible abrasions/rashes that can last 3-12 hours.

Okay - that is our update for now!

It was a good night

Okay - so after my slightly foul post, we actually had a nice evening, so I thought I would try and update with a little more positivity. Micah walked in from daycare screaming...because he was having so much fun on his new bike seat, and his Daddy made him get off the bike and take his new Mickey Mouse helmet off. After some tears (and a little music), Micah was all smiles again while he sat at the dinner table being entertained by Mommy and Daddy.

By 7:00, we were all finished with dinner. Micah played with his toys for a few minutes - he loves to sit on his riding toy and push himself around the room (and as he runs into toys in the way, he says "beep beep"). We decided it was time for our nightly walk (our recent tradition the past few weeks). I announced to Elliott hat Twoey wanted chocolate ice cream (ahhh...the best part of pregnancy - who can deny a baby anything?), so off to Ben & Jerry's we walked. I decided to get a cup of 1/2 Chocolate Therapy and 1/2 Phish Food, and immediately Micah was whining and grabbing. He has only tried ice cream once or twice before, and he did not seem all that interested. Well, tonight he proved he is ABSOLUTELY and UNDENIABLY my son...he went to town on some serious chocolate ice cream! I had one of those little taster spoons for him, so I gave him a bit on the spoon. He scarfed it down immediately and said "MMMM." He immediately reached out for more ice cream. Spoonful after spoonful, Micah kept eating the chocolate, and each and every bite was greeted with a resounding "MMMM." I have to say, like his Mommy, he cried a bit when the ice cream was gone. He was very cute all covered in chocolate, and I'm certain I've got a chocoholic on my hands!

As we walked, I noticed that every time Micah saw a chair or a bench, he said "sit down." I realized that while that is one of his favorite phrases recently, I think he is not just simply ordering everyone to sit, he actually thinks that chairs and benches are called "sit down." We were laughing - it was just so cute! He also made sure to point out the trees, the birds (and tweet like birds), and all the different lights. His vocabulary is just growing exponentially every day!

On our way back, we were a little earlier than usual. I was just not feeling up to walking with all the contractions, and I really needed to head home. We arrived at the park around 7:45, and Elliot asked if I wanted to stop and sit on the bench and let Micah run around in the park for a little while. I said sure, but warned him we'd have trouble getting Micah to leave (and made him promise he'd deal with any tempertantrums) so off Micah ran to the slides. He was so cute as he climbed and laughed and yelled "sit down" at every bench and chair he saw. After 15-20 minutes, I told Elliot I needed to head back. We snagged Micah after one of his trips down the slide, and he was clearly not happy to be taken away from his fun. I got creative, and remembered that we passed by the basketball courts on the way in (and Micah loves basketball), so I asked Micah if he wanted to walk with me to the basketball. He clapped, grabbed my hand, and off we went to the basketball court. As we drew near, Micah spotted a basketball sitting on the grass...and off he ran to grab it. He walked with Elliot to the court, started bouncing the ball and trying to throw it in the basket. There were about 10-15 men shooting hoops on the court, and they were all so nice to clear out of the way and let him play for a few minutes. He was clapping and laughing and screaming "bah-ball" - I could see his grin from 30 feet away! A few of the guys were dribbling the ball and dunking it in the basket, and Micah was WOWED. He tried to dribble, too (well, he took the ball and banged it on the ground a few times) then did his imitation of a jump shot (lifting it over his head and picking up a leg while he dropped the ball and clapped for himself).

After another 5-7 minutes, we had to put an end to Micah's basketball time and head home. Unfortunately, Micah was devastated...and had a complete and utter screaming meltdown. He would not let us put him in his stroller, and Elliot had to carry him home, shrieking and screaming. He was hysterical, and kept screaming "bah-ball." Note to self...perhaps bed time is a bad time for basketball. He was just so devastated to be leaving, and we felt a little bad about the whole thing. We finally got home and he was still a mess when we walked through the door. We debated just bringing him upstairs for bath and bed kicking and screaming, but instead I thought that a quick tv program might be a better idea. I asked Micah if he'd like to watch tv, and he got quiet (well, those little hiccupy snivels were still left) and he looked at the tv. I told him he needed to stop crying, sit on the couch and say "please" and I'd put the tv on for him. He immediately ran over to the couch, climbed up and said "peez." So, I put on an episode of Between the Lions and Micah was all cuddly, happy and content. Just after the episode, Micah happily went upstairs for bath time.

For the past few nights, after bath time, Micah loves to roll around in our bed, pull the covers and pillow around him as he snuggles in and declare "night-night." I think he is starting to express his desire to sleep in a big bed! It isn't going to happen any time soon, but it sure is cute.

So, while I'm still very uncomfortable and unhappy that Twoey has not yet declared her arrival...tonight was a wonderful night. I'm loving these last few precious moments as our family of three, with Micah as my only focus and attention. I will definitely miss this special time with him - and I'm so sad that my little boy is growing up so quickly before my eyes.

Father's Day

We had a very nice (but kind of mellow) Father's Day yesterday. It was a bit hectic because we had people coming over...and I probably should have done more to make the day extra special for Elliot, but I just don't have the energy right now. I had gotten Elliot a card from Micah and one from me. Micah made his Daddy a tie-dyed t-shirt in daycare, so that was his gift to his Daddy. I also had ordered Elliot a new "jump seat" for the bike for Micah. We have a bike trailer, but now that Micah is older, I thought Elliot might find it easier to transport Micah in the seat instead of the trailer (he bikes him to daycare 3x/week and they run errands together). I also ordered a few other "odds and ends" he needed for his bike.

Because Elliot is particular about his bike, I ruined the surprise gift about a week or two ago so he could investigate my gift and see if he thought it was the best option for his bike. Naturally, he had other ideas, so he asked if we could order a different seat. That seat arrived last week...and long story short, Elliot wasn't so thrilled with the seat. After doing more research, he concluded that I might have actually identified a better option! We re-ordered that seat, and it just arrived today. Elliot spent this afternoon attaching it, and we should know in a bit if he likes this seat better. I hope he likes his gift...but I feel badly that there was no Father's Day gift-opening surprise for him.

Elliot doesn't know this, but I had planned to order him some personalized gifts with pictures of Twoey for Father's Day as well...but she has not been so cooperative. I'm also now missing all the Father's Day sales and free shipping on items, but, hey, I guess that will just have to do. Once she arrives, I'll complete his gift with something from Twoey (and perhaps a nice picture of the three of them together).

We did not have any big plans for Father's Day (mostly because we were afraid to plan anything with my supposedly impending labor). Jeremy, Jen, Paige and Peyton decided to come down to our house, and my parents came over, too. We had my parents' anniversary to celebrate, my brother's birthday AND Father's Day that all deserved some attention. Unfortunately, I just did not have it in me to bake a cake, nor did any of us feel like doing any real cooking.

Instead, I pre-ordered a dozen bagels on Saturday, and Elliot, Micah and I walked over to pick them up in the morning. Round trip, the walk was almost 2 miles. I was hoping the effort would send me into labor...but as you can see, I'm still here. When we got home, we threw together some egg salad and some tuna fish. Everyone arrived around 12 (it was later than we had originally planned because my brother had a slight scare...they thought their dog ran away...turned out, she was just stuck and hiding under a bed). Anyway, we all sat down to a light lunch together. The kids were so cute playing together - Micah was running loops around the house being chased by his cousins, and they were all happily screaming together. Micah was also busy ordering everyone to "sit down" - his new favorite phrase. We all gave my father a Keurig coffee maker and some accessories. I just gave my brother a card for his birthday, and a card to my parents for their anniversary. My brother and I felt a little bad that we did not have anything special for their anniversary...we'll have to come up with something later this year when things calm back down again.

Anyway, my mom is still quite exhausted - she was upstairs napping for a bit while the kids played together. I love watching Micah interact with his cousins! Everyone left around 2:30, and we put Micah down for his afternoon nap. He only slept about 2 hours...but it seemed to be enough. When he woke up, we played for a few hours, and then Elliot grilled some burgers for them for dinner. Micah gobbled up about 1/2 a burger and some strawberries. He was very cute. The little monkey has been climbing INTO his high chair lately - we have to really watch him to make sure he doesn't hurt himself.

After dinner, we decided to go on another walk. We ended up walking another 2-2.5 miles and stopping at the grocery store. It was a nice long walk, and we got back just in time to give Micah a quick bath and put him to bed.

I haven't felt much like blogging lately...I'm kind of miserable from all the contractions, and I cannot believe little Miss Twoey has refused to make her appearance yet. I never wanted to be one of those women who complained about still being pregnant...but this is not fun, especially with the contractions and the prior expectation of pre-term labor. I'm now officially worried that they will have to induce me, and that would involve needles. Perhaps worried is an understatement...my needle phobia has started to kick into high gear, and panic is beginning to reign every time I think about when/if this baby is going to show up.

Things have been MUCH better with Micah since he has been on the Zantac...no more night wakings, and his grump factor has gone way down. We have only been giving him the Zantac at night, but I'm wondering if we should consider a daytime dosage, too.

Wish I had more to add...I'll post again when I have more updates. I have a doctor appointment on Wednesday and another ultrasound later this week. Keep your fingers crossed I can miss those appointments!

Anyway, just wanted to wish a very Happy Father's Day to Elliot, to my father, and to Poppy Ira! You are all very much loved and appreciated as fathers.

No, no, no...Part 2

Thought I'd share the video I captured tonight (by the way, you'll notice at the end that he says "more" when he is "all done"):



By the way, Micah has recently been obsessed with making Elliot put on his bike helmet in the house...he had to keep it on all night tonight. We had someone come to our door, and Elliot had a conversation with her...it wasn't until she left that I realized he had been wearing the bike helmet the entire time!

18 months

Wow - I cannot believe how the last 18 months have flown by - my little man is now 18 months old!! Each and every day, he amazes me. I do have to say, I was certain he'd be a big brother already...perhaps soon!

We have not weighed or measured Micah in a while - I'd guess he is around 22 lbs right now, and maybe 34-35 inches tall. He is wearing 18 months (or 12-18 months) clothing and a size 5W shoes. We are still having issues keeping his pants on his skinny tush - so far, we can only wear the shorts that have adjustable tabs in the waist. We have not set up his 18 month checkup yet - I assumed that Twoey would be here, and we'd just bring Micah in at the same time we brought Twoey in for one of her appointments, so we will not have his stats for a little while still.

As for milestones, his language skills are increasing each and every day. He is repeating more words, and he seems to be using more and more words to communicate. He is even stringing a few words together (like "sit down" and "get out"). He does seem to be confusing a few words lately - apparently, "more" and "all done" seem to be synonymous. He also seems to be calling lots of people "Mommy" lately - it seems to be his word when he wants comfort from any person. He is also so loving and sweet - I just love how he gives hugs and kisses all the time.

Physically, he is very strong and seems to be developing as he should. He climbs on and off furniture and loves to sit on grownup chairs. He loves to play catch and throw his basketball. He loves using all of his different toys, and he runs around the house. He keeps trying to walk down stairs (I don't think he is *quite* ready for that yet, though). He seems to do pretty well with some of the smaller steps (like the one leading out of our house). He LOVES to be outside, and he does everything he can to spend as much time as possible outdoors.

Here is some video I took a few days before Nugget died - we had a "playdate" with one of my best friend's dog, Bentley. Micah was showing off his reading/talking skills and loving on Bentley:



We are still having a big challenge with eating - he gets very stubborn and picky at meal time. It is a big guessing game - what he will eat, how he will eat it, etc. One minute he'll eat something and the next minute he is throwing it. Sometimes all it takes is handing him a fork, or putting some dipping sauce down for him. Other times, we have to get entirely different food for him. Lately, he wants to do things himself with food - sandwiches need to be whole, he wants the whole banana and the whole piece of chicken. He likes to hold the bag of raisins and eat directly out of that (or the cereal box or the cracker box). Often, I try to insist that he eat from his tray, but sometimes, it is just easier to give in to him. Sometimes, he just wants to eat out of a bowl or a plate like a "big boy." We never know if he'll eat a ton or practically nothing!

His sleeping habits are improving...he has been napping better and sleeping later again, but we've had a few mornings when he wakes up extra early. I think it is still related to teething (and his new bug bites) that are bothering him. Unfortunately, he has been a bit challenging to put down most nights and for naps - he has been crying a bit more lately. Luckily, he usually doesn't cry that long, but I wish he wouldn't get so upset!

As I mentioned, Micah seems to be plagued with some bug bites this week. He had a spider bite on his arm about 1 month ago, but this was different. On Thursday night, I noticed a small red bump on his leg when we were getting him ready for bed. I didn't think much about it - it was fairly small and I figured it was no big deal. I checked it out in the morning before he left for daycare, and told Elliot to ask the daycare to keep an eye on it. On Friday night when we were bathing him and getting him ready for bed, the small red bump had turned into this:



It was very blistery - tons of tiny little blisters. I started to wonder if it was poison ivy or a spider bite. It did not look infected and it did not seem to be bothering Micah, so I cleaned it off with hydrogen peroxide, put some caladryl on it, and kept it covered. We also gave him some benadryl to help with the swelling and itching. I also noticed a small red bump on the bridge of his nose. When we woke up on Saturday morning, the bite on his leg looked much better. The bump on the bridge of his nose was more swollen - according to Elliot, he looked a bit like a Klingon from Star Trek! I called the doctor to see if we should bring him in to the office. She said that as long as his eye was not irritated and while the mark on his leg was not looking infected, streaking, or expanding in size, we should just keep doing what we were doing. We kept the bite on his leg covered and cleaned, and we did not pay too much attention to the bite on his nose. Micah went to services with his Daddy in the morning, took a VERY short nap, then we all went to the pool to play. After pool time, we visited my parents for dinner - my mom hadn't see Micah in almost 1 month! I think this is the longest stretch she'd ever gone. We had a good night, and left after a few hours.

Sunday morning when Micah woke up, his left eye was practically swollen shut! I couldn't tell if the bite from his nose was causing the swelling or if it was a new bite, but it looked terrible. We debated taking him to the emergency room, but his eye looked clear and he did not seem to be in any discomfort. We took some benadryl cream and put it on his eye. Elliot took him out for a few hours, and my dad came by and picked me up. Elliot, Micah, me, Jeremy, Jen, Paige and Peyton all met up around lunch time at my parents' house to visit my mom. She is doing better, but still so wiped out. Micah spent the afternoon trying to talk to his cousins and chasing them around the house. They were so cute playing together!! I was actually impressed at how well he was playing and interacting with them. He kept trying to communicate with them, too. At one point, the kids were VERY quiet - I got worried something was wrong. I found them in the other room, with Paige showing Micah how to play with this set of nesting dolls. It was so cute to see them together! Peyton asked me where Nugget was...that was a tough conversation for me. She did not understand and kept asking why Nugget was gone. Over the course of the day, Micah's eye improved dramatically. I think the cream helped, and the extra dosage of Benadryl at naptime probably didn't hurt either.

Tonight, after dinner, Micah, Elliot and I went on a long walk into Bethesda (and I decided to stop at Ben & Jerry's). I think I discovered where Micah is getting all of his bites - on his nightly evening walk! We are going to have to start covering him in the organic bug spray we have. I was hoping to kick things up on the walk and get this labor on the road. Well, it worked - I am contracting like crazy and I barely made it home. I'm sure it will stall out again, but I'm getting pretty fed up! I'm starting to worry I'll end up OVERDUE after all of this! My system is still a mess, and I'm feeling terrible. I'm not sure this baby is EVER going to come out!!

I think I mentioned before that with Nugget gone, our house has been a mess. We counted on her to do a lot of our vacuuming. Well, we invested in a lightweight vacuum we are now using on a regular basis to clean up after ourselves. The first day we used it, Micah fell in love - he came running over, took control of the vacuum, and went to work. So, there is a new housekeeper in town!

Twoey's 38 week appointments

Today was appointment day...we took Twoey for her ultrasound and biophysical profile this morning, and she passed with flying colors! She was moving and breathing well, and we did get a few photos I will try to scan and share. Twoey has been very low - it used to be that her face was even with the placenta, but now she has descended so much that the placenta is even with her belly.

This afternoon, we met with the midwife. This was one of my favorite midwives, and today was her last day with the practice. So, she will definitely NOT be delivering Twoey. The good news is that the midwife who delivered Micah will be covering hospital hours over the next few weeks, so she may be delivering Twoey! I like one of the other two midwives on call - the third one is not so friendly, though.

As for my appointment, at 38 weeks, my belly is measuring 34 weeks...and shrinking. I haven't put on any weight, and I've been having horrible nausea again. The contractions are pretty regular, but I don't seem to be making any progress. I'm about 2 cm dilated and 70-80% effaced, so no real progress from last week. I'm pretty disappointed. She didn't think it was a good time to strip my membranes - she did stretch my cervix to hope to stir things up. I had to be hooked up to the machines for an NST (non-stress test) and little Miss Twoey flunked at first. I had to stay hooked up a while longer - they eventually let me go (because she was being cooperative this morning), but all she wanted to do was sleep this afternoon.

I really hope things start to move - I'm so uncomfortable right now with all the contractions, and I'm starting to worry that I won't go into labor on my own (side effect of those stupid progesterone shots I had to take). Inductions require needles, and I really don't want to go that route. So...hope little Miss Twoey decides to make an appearance. My only thought is that she is holding out for June 15 - the one day I didn't want her to arrive because it is my brother's birthday, my parents' anniversary, and every few years it is also Father's Day!

We had a really good day with Micah today - he seems much less grumpy, he napped well, and he went to bed easily. Hopefully a good sign!

Still Here

Well, I'm still here...hanging in there. I cannot believe little Miss Twoey has not made her arrival yet!! I've been having fairly regular contractions for the past several days, and they've been about 2 minutes apart for the last 24 hours or so. I'm having a fair amount of pain and discomfort, and frankly, I'm ready to get this show on the road! We are about as ready as we are going to get - house is clean and in order, the necessities are washed, the car seat is in the car, the hospital bag is packed, and we are probably about as on top of our work as we are going to get. I should probably do about another month worth of work before labor hits, but hey, I've actually accomplished more than I expected so far. Now...if we could just come up with a name for Twoey!

This week has been a little better. My mom seems to be regaining her strength, and I'm trying to move forward with everything in my life, too. Yesterday was a good day with Micah. He woke up at 3:15 am screaming again, but he was laying down the entire time, so I decided to see if he could put himself back to sleep. Luckily, he was only awake about 15 minutes and then slept until about 7:30 or so. Still not perfect, but it was progress! Of course, I felt like a horrible mom the entire time for not going in to comfort him, but he was just upset, not hysterical, and I had a feeling that going in to his room would just make it all worse and have him up all night. I just don't want him to develop a 3:00 am wake up habit and think that is snuggle time with mommy and daddy.

I haven't been spending as much time on Tuesdays and Thursdays with Micah since our babysitter, Christin, started a few weeks ago. It has been a great opportunity for me to get some things accomplished and take care of myself, but...I have been missing my Micah time! So, I decided to take the morning (perhaps one of my last with only 1 child) and spend some time with Micah. For our morning activity, I scheduled a haircut for Micah. We walked over there, got his hair cut, and then stopped off at a park to play. Christin helped with the chasing, but we had a fun time together! He gave me kisses, and he seemed fascinated by the other children. He saw one boy drinking water from a bottle, and he wanted one, too, so I gave him his milk. Then, the boy started to eat one of those sippy pouches of fruit. Luckily, I had one on hand, and Micah downed that, too. He then seemed ravenous, so I gave him a cheese stick. Unfortunately, he was still hungry and was searching through the bags for more food. I happened to remember that the restaurant across the street has a kids' performer and lunch every Tuesday, so we popped across the street. We missed the performer, but we were able to join in for the lunch special. Micah ate pita and hummus and a few french fries (okay, the fries are not super healthy, but he did already eat cheese, fruit and veggies before this, and I gave him whole wheat pita and hummus).

After lunch, the three of us headed back home. We immediately put Micah down for his nap and I went back to getting some work done. I was having horrible contractions and struggling with nausea, so the afternoon was a bit rough for me. Normally, Micah sleeps about 2.5- 3 hours. Naturally, 50 minutes after we put him down for his nap, the screaming began! I had Christin go get him, and I could hear that he was in a horrible mood.

I came upstairs to help out for a bit...and he was just a mess. I took him and hugged him for a while, but he was still yelling. I am fairly certain this is teething pain, but this has been going on quite some time. I decided to give him some Tylenol, and then I administered the next best medication I know...Sesame Street. I usually hate to use tv as a soothing device, but sometimes....well, it works. I flipped on the tv, Micah put his thumb in his mouth and curled up on top of me. After a little while, I scooted away from Micah (and let Christin sneak in to cuddle with him). I decided to make him some popsicles (I did 2 yogurt/applesauce and 2 applesauce) because I thought perhaps the cold would help his gums. I then went back downstairs and went back to work. I told Christin she should take him outside after the show ended - either for a walk or to play "basketball." I heard them go outside, and I could hear Micah screaming a bit. I checked on him - apparently, he wanted to sit and play in the bike trailer, and probably wanted to go for a ride. They stayed outside for about 30-40 minutes, and then Christin brought him in because it was so buggy outside. Micah was protesting loudly, but he brought his basketball inside. I came upstairs to play with them for a bit. I made a "basket" with my arms and showed Micah he could play that way. He actually giggled! Then I showed him how to bounce the ball, which is apparently hysterically funny. He spent the next 40 minutes throwing and bouncing the ball.

Christin left at 5:00, and Micah and I continued to play. He started to get grumpy again and he was banging on one of the cabinets, so I assumed that meant he was hungry. Lately, feeding him has been a challenge. I offered him a cracker and he threw it on the ground. I gave him a graham cracker, and he smashed that in his hands and screamed. I asked him if he wanted cheese, and he shook his head "NO." I asked if he wanted strawberries - again, I got a no. I opened the cabinet again and Micah lunged for the bag of raisins. I tried to give him a few raisins, but he threw a fit because he wanted to hold the bag and take the raisins out himself. I decided it wasn't worth the battle, so I let him have the bag of raisins. He sat on the floor happily munching on raisins for a while, but then started to get upset again. I offered him some cereal (we struggled over the box - he just wanted to dump cereal from the box on the floor), and then I decided that I would just feed him dinner because it was almost 6. I pulled out some turkey for him - and he was throwing it back at me before I even got it on his tray. I cleared that off and offered him some kidney beans...and again, those hit the floor. At this point, I got a bit frustrated. I put some fish sticks in to cook and I went in search of something for Micah to munch on while we waited. The cereal flew, crackers were smashed, and there was much yelling and screaming. I cut up a few strawberries, and Micah went to town on those.

A little after 6, Elliot walked through the door. Thankfully, he took over feeding our grumpy little bugger. He figured out that Micah did want the kidney beans - as long as he could eat them with a fork. Micah also ate a few fish sticks, followed up by a peach. In the end, he had a very good dinner. After dinner, Micah started to get cranky again, so Elliot took him on a walk. Christin returned around 7:30 (we had to go to a new student meeting at the preschool), and I warned her that Micah might be difficult at bedtime. Elliot returned with Micah and we took off for the preschool meeting. It went well - we met several other parents whose children will be in class with Micah next year (it turns out, I already know two of them), and we received copies of all the forms we need to fill out and submit in the next few months. When we got home, we learned that Micah went to bed immediately...and much to our amazement, he slept soundly until 8:15 this morning (and played quietly in bed until 8:30).

Today has been rather uneventful - I had a rough night dealing with all the contractions, but apparently it was not enough to send me into full labor. I'm still contracting and uncomfortable, but no need to run to the hospital yet. Micah is at daycare and I have been focusing on getting some last-minute work done. I also ran out and met my mom and dad for lunch.

About 10 minutes ago, they called today from the crematorium...Nugget's remains should be ready today. I just cried all over again. I am still missing that little stinker!! We went out and bought one of those little surface brooms - we have a lot of mess we need to start cleaning. I'm not ready to have that box of her ashes here...I guess I'll just have to face that soon enough.

Progress

Today was a LONG day...Micah decided to wake up screaming at 5:00 am. Quite unusual for him, but his sleep habits lately have been a bit erratic. It is either from teething or because he senses some changes, but I have no idea! We tried bringing him into bed with us for a while, but Micah wanted to get up and play. By 6:00 or so, Elliot bit the bullet and agreed to let me sleep and bring Micah downstairs. I slept until about 8 and then joined them.

We took Micah to daycare after breakfast (and Micah was definitely difficult about breakfast again). It was a crazy day for me - we had a conference call for work at 11, and then I needed to go to my condo to wait for a cleaning service to clean the carpet and the HVAC repair guy to come and fix the broken AC. Luckily, the issue with the AC was fairly minor - apparently, one of the wires on the contact circuit burned out and just needed to be replaced. So, the AC is working again, the carpet is clean, and my condo is ready for sale! While we were waiting on the carpet cleaning, we had our architect come and meet us so we could review the bid from our contractor. We had a few questions we need to nail down, but we are in a good place, and we've okayed our architect to move forward and finalize things and start applying for permits!

When Micah got home from daycare, he wanted to play out back for a while - he was busy playing "basketball" - and he was just so cute!! He loves to throw the ball through the hoop and clap each and every time. We dragged him inside after 20 minutes to feed him dinner (I think Micah would live outside if he could). Unfortunately, he started to melt down while we tried to feed him dinner. He threw the chicken on the floor, and the cheerios, and he did not want to eat much fruit. He was just grumpy, and we were shocked that he refused the food. After a screaming fit, I decided that he was probably exhausted since he woke up at 5:00 am. We decided we would plop him in front of the tv to watch an episode of Word World before bed. At 7:45, Elliot took Micah upstairs for an early bath and bed. For the second night in a row, he screamed his head off at bedtime before crashing. I wish I knew what was going on with him!! Anyway, he has been sleeping soundly so far - I hope he is just exhausted and sleeps through the night tonight.

Things went pretty well for my mom today at her appointments. The good news is the gastroenterologist thinks he knows what is wrong and believes the issue is her stomach. The bad news is she has to go through several more tests to figure out how he wants to proceed with treating her, and it could be a bit of time before she really bounces back. She is having some other bloodwork done to see if there are any other crazy things going on that could be causing her exhaustion. Tomorrow she will go see her cardiologist and do a quick follow-up to make sure everything is in order. She has bloodwork and follow-up tests scheduled later this week, so hopefully she'll get more answers and a plan of action by next week.

As for me...well, Twoey seems to be clawing her way out tonight. I'm having regular contractions and a lot of pain and pressure and tons of sharp stabbing pains. We'll see if this is just another rough night or for real.

Adjusting

I'm having a difficult time adjusting to life without my dog. It probably sounds crazy to you...especially those of you who do not have pets. I find myself looking for Nugget - unconsciously. I wake up in the night and notice she isn't on the bed, so I sit up and search the room for her...until I remember that she is gone. I find myself glancing around the room and searching for her throughout the day, or checking my path as I walk to the bathroom to be sure I avoid tripping over her. I pause to hold the gate open as I go up the stairs to make sure that she can get through and follow me...only to realize that she isn't there to follow me. I wake up at a noise in the early morning, and I peer over the edge of the bed, expecting Nugget to be there pawing at the side of the bed to tell me she is ready to get up and start the day. I miss her crazy "burrowing" that she does every morning when we all wake up, and her digging on the bed covers at night to make a comfortable spot for herself. I notice the odd silence (lack of jingling from her tags) and wonder what she has gotten into, and then remember why it is so quiet in the house. I find myself doing the defensive moves to rescue fallen food from the floor and grabbing stray dishes so that Nugget doesn't have a chance to get in there and steal it...and then realize the food is safe now. Out of habit, I gave Micah a cheese stick earlier today and immediately picked him up and put him on the couch and started to stand guard so Nugget didn't steal it from him - and then realized he could walk freely around the house (and even put the stick down on the coffee table) without any worries right now.

I've also learned that Nugget might have been the best housekeeper in this family - in the 3 days since her passing, this house has become a complete and utter mess! There are trails of crumbs and food all over the place - my carpet has never looked so disgusting! After 12 years, I have apparently developed horrible habits as well - I noticed today as I was eating a graham cracker and leaving a trail behind me that I had grown to rely on my furry little hoover who always stood right beneath me to catch my crumb trail. We are going to have to re-learn new habits, and quickly!

I have to say, I thought Micah would show more visible signs of missing Nugget. He doesn't really seem to look for her or call her at all. I think he has already moved on, but perhaps that is for the best. In the next few months, we will be turning his world upside down - first, his dog is gone, next, we will be bringing a baby home, and then we will be moving from the only house he has ever known. I hope he is able to easily adjust.

In slightly better news, my mom was released from the hospital on Friday afternoon. I'm being a bit cautious about writing this out because we still never seemed to get a firm diagnosis and she is still not feeling great. Since Friday, she has been extremely tired. I understand sickness can wipe you out, but I'm still a bit worried - I would like to see her regain her energy again. She has a bunch of doctors appointments to go to this week, so perhaps we will get some more definitive answers. All we know is that she has been dealing with nausea and stomach issues, that she can eat and function while she is on a ton of anti-nausea meds, and they found fluid in her lungs so they told her it was pneumonia and put her on two antibiotics. They have not yet confirmed by xray that the fluid in her lungs has cleared up (in fact, it had gotten worse on Thursday). I'm hoping at least we can get that cleared up this week.

Micah was a bear to put to bed tonight - he fought and cried for about 45 minutes. We had to go back in a few times, but he just did not want us to leave him alone tonight. I guess I can understand that - some nights, I hate to leave him, too. Micah has been talking more and more every day. He has been stringing two words together (sit down, get out) at times, and he is repeating a lot of words. He has been loving tennis, and he dutifully cheered with me for Rafael Nadal as he won his 5th French Open title today. Every time Rafa hit the ball, Micah would raise his arms and yell "Go!" He saw an apple on my shirt today (I got it at the grand opening of an Apple Store years ago) and he spent the night pointing at it and saying "apple." He seems to be repeating letters of the alphabet when we show them in a book or on some of the TV shows like Sesame Street and Between the Lions. He also seems to be recognizing some numbers. We have been counting backwards from 20 or 10 every time we change his diaper (he seems to enjoy it and it keeps him still until we get to 1 - not sure why, but it works). The last few days, he tries to count with us - he repeats some of the numbers, and a few times I even *think* he might have said a number or two with me!

As for me - well, I'm shocked this baby hasn't arrived yet, but a little relieved because I'm not sure how I could handle it. I've been contracting every 4-5 minutes for most of the past few days. I've had periods when the contractions are stronger, but they do not seem to be converting into full-blown labor yet. I am having a lot of pain/discomfort from the baby when I stand, so I keep thinking we are close. I just hope after all this pre-term labor nonsense I don't end up going PAST my due date! I really thought she would arrive today. My next guess is June 15, since that is the date for everything else...my parents' anniversary, my brother's birthday, and every few years it is Father's Day, too. I really hope I have the baby this week, though - I have a conference I am supposed to present at on June 26!

So...I'm hanging in there. I'm feeling pretty down a lot - still having some random crying fits here and there. I really hope all of this pre-baby stress doesn't turn into post-partum depression for me. I'm just worn down right now, and definitely feeling a little blue from everything. I am trying my best to pick myself up by my boot straps, though, but right now it is feeling like a challenge.

Too much going on

I haven't been up for posting much lately - I have so much swirling around in my head, and I don't exactly know where to begin. I think I'm just a bit overwhelmed with all that is going on right now. I think I'm feeling a bit out of control...as my mom says, when man plans, G-d laughs. I think G-d is having quite a good chuckle at my expense this week.

Ironically, I spent most of this pregnancy expecting (and worrying about) pre-term labor. I'm officially 37 weeks pregnant right now, and we are "out of the woods" so to speak. Now, I think my biggest fear is that this baby will stay put forever and I'll be overdue! I've been doing everything I can to clean the house and be prepared. We finally dug all the junk out of our bedroom and the house is about as in-order as it will be. I arranged for child care for Micah when I go into labor, we've got our birth plan in place and I've got our schedule all written out.

Unfortunately, yesterday a wrench was thrown into my plans...and a whole new worry fell on my plate. My mom was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance yesterday afternoon, and they still do not know what is wrong. She was nauseated and sick and it just wouldn't stop. It came on suddenly - I was on the phone with her only an hour or two before making plans with her to come join us for dinner. I was extremely worried because it is not like my mom to call an ambulance - I knew she must have been horribly sick to go in an ambulance.

When she arrived at the hospital, they were concerned about a virus or an infection initially, so I've been unable to go visit her (she was actually placed in isolation). Since yesterday, they seem to have ruled out any infections, but they do not know exactly what is wrong. One theory is a drug interaction...she started a new medication a few weeks ago, and it might be causing all of this sickness. The only other theory on the table right now seems to be a problem called gastroparesis. I've looked into this online (and called a few doctor friends) and this does NOT appear to be good news. It is incurable, and the long-term prognosis is pretty scary. Most of the medications and options are only "temporary" fixes. I'm worried and scared because I *need* my mom to be around a very long time, and I want her to continue to enjoy a full and quality life.

So, on top of all the worries about my mom and her long-term well-being, I am having an immediate selfish reaction, too. I want my mom to be there with me when I give birth. She was such a huge help during labor last time, and I want her to be there right away to meet her newest granddaughter - and right now, she can't be there. I just know that I will go into labor when she is out of commission, and I'm a bit worried about doing all of this without her (and I also don't want her to miss out, either, because I know she wants to be a part of it all). I know that I will have Elliot there, but it really was a 2-person effort (okay, 3 counting the midwife) to get me through the last time. I also feel better knowing that after I deliver, my mom will be there with my Dad in the evenings to feed Micah and put him to bed.

Now I'm torn - I'm physically ready to have this baby, but I kind of want her to hang in a bit longer in the hope that my mom can recover and be there. Today was my 37 week appointment. I am over 70% effaced and 1-2 cm dilated. The baby has dropped (she did not say what station, but the baby is much lower and engaged). My belly is now measuring at 34 weeks (down 1 cm from last week). I've been spotting like crazy all day and having contractions. It kind of hurts for me to stand because of all the pressure. I also received some bad news at the appointment - I tested positive for Group B Strep :(. That means they would like to recommend that I take IV antibiotics during labor. I'm very torn - the studies about the benefits of IV antibiotics are mixed. It is the standard recommendation, and part of me knows that it would be better for the baby to take the antibiotics. But...I just don't know that I can do the IV because of my phobia. We are talking to the midwives to see if they will prescribe a course of oral antibiotics for me to start taking now. It is not the recommended course, but I would feel like it was a fair compromise. I tend to have short labors - the greatest risk for spreading infection is longer labor, and I barely had 6 hours from when my water broke to when Micah was born the last time around. Something else for me to worry about, right?

I'm still worried about how to deal with 2 children, and our child care situation for next year, and how we can balance all that is going on with our home renovations. We are supposed to be putting my condo on the market this week - I sure hope it sells quickly and that we are able to break ground quickly, move without incident, and get a 3 bedroom place before Twoey outgrows our bedroom. I'm having a hard time seeing how everything is going to fall into place.

I also have to take the dog back to the vet tomorrow. Her heart condition has been deteriorating. We increased her dosage of lasix in the hope that the congestion in her lungs would improve. While I've noticed some improvement, she has been waking in the mornings with a cough and she has been breathing heavily. I do not think the vet is going to be able to reduce her medication as we had hoped, and I see another visit to the cardiologist in our future. I wish I knew when we could fit all of this into our crazy life.

I guess on a more upbeat note, I thought I'd share a few stories about Micah. His new favorite pasttime is to put cereal (or fruit) on his eyes. He just takes the food and mushes it in there, and then he laughs! I've been working on teaching him some new "phrases." I've been teaching him to respond "me" (and point to himself) when I ask him "Who is cute?" He seems to get the concept...but our exchange goes more like this...."Micah, who is cute?" "Neee." Yes, Micah says "nee" instead of "me." I've noticed some other signs of growth - he actually lets me wipe his nose without any complaints anymore! In fact, he'll show me he needs his nose wiped, or I can say "Micah, come here and let mommy wipe your nose" and he'll walk right over and let me do what I need to do. I've also been amazed by the way he handles a sippy cup - he'll spin it around until he finds the right angle (right side up). I love watching him twirl the cup around in a circle until he find the perfect position! Another funny story...Elliot was dressing Micah the other morning. I had given him the clothes and walked into the kitchen to clean up after breakfast. I glanced over at the two of them...and had to point out to Elliot that I usually prefer to take the pajamas OFF before dressing him! We had a good laugh over that. Finally, our latest challenge has been tempertantrums. Micah is definitely entering the terrible twos. We are finding meal time particularly difficult. He will throw a fit and chuck his food on the floor. I cannot decide if he throws a fit because we let him get too hungry, or if it is because he has very specific wants and we just keep guessing wrong. Either way, it has made meal time a bit of a challenge. Sometimes, it is as simple as giving him the WHOLE pancake instead of cutting it up. Other times, we have to just give up and give him fruit. I hope things get easier.

We have had a few incidents with "aggressive behavior" from Micah. Apparently, he bit another child at daycare on Friday. I think some of his behavior has a lot to do with his lack of language - he gets frustrated and does not know how to express it. I am working on his language and trying to teach him appropriate behaviors. I hope that we can get through this phase soon. If anyone has any suggestions, I'm happy to listen! I'm also a bit concerned about some of these behaviors because of our family history with ADD. I think later this summer I am going to take Micah to get evaluated. I do not think we'll get any type of diagnosis at such a young age, but I'm hoping maybe the doctor can give me some good techniques for managing his behavior and pointing him in a better direction.

Okay - I guess that is all I've got right now. Keep your fingers crossed that everything falls into place and works out better than I have planned. Also, a little good news about my mom tomorrow would be great, too.

It's French Open Time!!

I am an avid tennis fan...and I'm so excited to be watching the French Open again! Personally, I'm in love with Rafael Nadal, and I truly despise Roger Federer. I'm so glad to see Rafa back in top form and ready to reclaim his title (that Federer won last year by default). I also still love watching Andy Roddick...but clay just isn't his surface. As for the women...I hate Justine Henin, and I'm definitely rooting for the Williams sisters.

This afternoon (after his nap), Micah came downstairs to hang out with me for a bit - he took one look at the tennis on the tv and broke out into a huge grin. He started pointed at the screen and clapping, and saying...."bah-ball." Yes, according to Micah, all balls, and all games played with a ball, are, by definition, basketball. Okay, we'll have to work on that part, but he did love watching tennis. He sat snuggled up with me and we watched Roddick play today. He screamed "Whoa" when they hit the ball, and "boom" when the ball hit the net. He clapped when they scored points, and he screamed with joy when the players got into nice long rallies. Yes, I think I'm grooming a tennis fan, much to his daddy's chagrin. His daddy was so worried that he removed Micah from the tennis and took him grocery shopping.

This morning, the babysitter came to help take care of Micah. She arrived at 9:00 this morning, but could only stay until 1:00. She fed him breakfast and got him dressed, took him to play at the park, fed him lunch then put him down for a nap. During that time, I managed to pack my hospital bag, shovel out the bedroom from a bunch of junk, and make Elliot clean up his junk, too. It feels so much better to have made a dent in the mess. I also got a bunch of work done. I really like having the extra help around right now!

I'm still having pretty constant contractions. The more I do, the worse they get. I'm very interested to find out whether I've made any progress since last week...but I doubt it. We shall see - my appointment is at 1:45 tomorrow.

Yesterday, I took my dog to the vet - her breathing was very labored again, and her hacking cough had returned. I was fairly certain that fluid was backing up in her lungs again. The doctor examined her and agreed. The good news was that there was only *some* fluid in her lungs. He decided to double her dosage of Lasix for the next two weeks. If she does well, then he will try to reduce the dosage again and see if she will maintain that way. I am supposed to take her back for another re-check either Wednesday or Friday.

Micah has been talking up a storm lately. He is starting to put words together (like "Hi there"). He knows a bunch of body parts (head, foot, belly, tongue, mouth, nose, eyes). He is saying the word "more" now (he used to just sign it), and he definitely says "hi" and "bye-bye" all the time. He is recognizing animals more and more, and he knows a bunch of the sounds animals make - his favorites are "quack" and "moo." He loves to watch the birdies, and he is still a huge kissy-monster. He climbs all over the furniture and runs laps around the house.

I have to say, I am going to miss this time with Micah as my only child. I'm so excited to meet Twoey and get to know her, and I'm excited to see Micah become a big brother. But, at the same time, I sometimes wish I had more time with just Micah as my only focus. I love how we snuggle, and I love our time alone together in the mornings. I adore him - I truly think he is the cutest, sweetest thing that ever walked the earth, and I am just filled with love for him. I know I will love Twoey every bit as much as Micah, and I know there will be plenty of room in my life for both of them. But, this time with just Micah is special, and in a way, I know it will be a loss for both of us - it will never again be just the two of us, and I guess I'm sorry that I can't give more of this special time to him.

I saw this posted online this week, and it really struck me...I think it articulates many of my fears about expanding our family, and perhaps my hope for how it will be:

Walk along holding your 4-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: how could I ever love another child as I love you?

Then he is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you’ve never shared me before.

I hear you telling me in your own way, “Please love only me.” And I hear myself telling you in mine, “I can’t,” knowing, in fact, that I never can again.

You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again.

But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I’m afraid to let you see me enjoying him—as though I am betraying you.

But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.

More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast.

But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two. There are new times – only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other.

I watch how he adores you — as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of his new accomplishments. And I begin to realize that I haven’t taken something from you, I’ve given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you. I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you—only differently.

And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know you’ll never share my love. There’s enough of that for both of you – you each have your own supply.

I love you—-both. And I thank you both for blessing my life.

Trip to the Zoo

On Friday, Micah had a daycare field trip to the zoo! It was his first trip to the zoo, but I was a bit hesitant about chaperoning. Elliot had a prior commitment and could not attend, and I was afraid the trip would be too much for me, especially on my own. Last minute, my father was able to re-arrange his schedule so that he could chaperone the trip, and I decided to go along, too.

My father showed up at our house bright and early at 9:00 am, and off to daycare we went. As a side note, my father showed up a bit dressed up for the trip to the zoo. He had on a beautiful blue button-down collar shirt. I took one look at him and suggested he might be too hot in the outfit. In typical fashion, my father insisted he would be fine. Knowing my father (who NEVER likes to dress down), I knew it was a losing battle, so I gave up on trying to convince him to change into a short-sleeved Under Armour golf shirt.

We were scheduled to leave for the zoo at 9:30, and left about 9:45 - not bad for daycare time. We took the metro to the zoo - quite interesting taking our entire group on foot and down elevators and onto the trains. We had a few issues on the metro. First, we ended up with a wind tunnel as we were entering the Bethesda station, and one of those "caution" signs caught air and took flight, charging 50 feet down the tunnel and nearly taking us all out. It was a bit scary! Luckily, no one was hurt. We complained to the station manager, who was completely uninterested in helping out.

Then, as we were loading onto the train, the train operator failed to follow procedure, and caught a few of us (me and "Grammy") in the train doors. We were quite scared, and it took several patrons to pull us inside to safety as the train started to move. The train operator did the same thing at every stop, so I decided to get the train number and file a complaint - that operator was quite dangerous. We reported him as we exited at Cleveland Park, and Elliot sent a follow-up note to his contacts at metro.

We arrived at the zoo around 10:15 or 10:30. We stopped to take a group photo - this was our trail of strollers that had just made the journey through the metro:

Since my father took the group photo, I took a separate picture of him with Micah after the group photo:

The weather cooperated - it was bright and sunny, but possibly a bit on the hot side. My dad looked like he was roasting (not that he would admit it). He even rolled up his sleeves - a HIGHLY uncommon event! We began our descent around the zoo, stopping and looking for animals along the way. We saw a sloth bear early on, but a number of the animals were inside, and it was difficult for the children to see all of the animals from their strollers. We did see some cheetahs, and we tried to get a good look at some seals, but it was quite crowded. Micah seemed to enjoy the birds, but he started to get a bit restless as we wandered through the park. I was getting hot and thirsty, and my contractions were picking up. I took a bit of a break, drank some water, and sat down while my dad took Micah on with the group. I caught up to them a bit later.

We started to take them out to look when we saw the red pandas and elephants. Micah LOVED the elephants. My dad did a great job carrying and chasing after Micah - it was getting to be a bit too much walking and lifting for me. He needed a few breaks, too (his back was hurting a bit). What a pair we were! His back, my belly...perhaps we both should have skipped the field trip, but we were having fun.

He also liked the panda statues:

And yes, he IS picking his nose:

We let the kids walk around a bit, and we then found a picnic area for lunch. While we were at lunch, the orangutans put on quite a show - they climbed out of their area and climbed across the ropes to the other side of the zoo. Micah was chasing them, pointing, clapping and loving them! He even said "monkey" a few times. Once again, my father spent the bulk of his time chasing Micah around the picnic area, and I was glad I had him along. Micah did not eat much for lunch at all - too much stuff to do instead.

Micah and his Grampy had some time to kiss and hug at lunch:

Here are some of Micah's friends playing in the grass together:

Here is some video of the orangutans in action:

After lunch, we headed back home - I think we left the park around 1:00 or so. We arrived back at the daycare facility around 1:45, and then we said goodbye to Micah. I was exhausted after the trip, but it was a lovely day!

And for good measure - here is some video of Micah stomping around in his Daddy's slippers:

Piano Man

I think it has been a while since I've done a "substance" post, so here goes! When I last left you, Elliot was out of town. Things went much better than I expected, actually. Micah slept in late on Tuesday...but the dog was up at 5:30 am. Since her heart problems started, she has been having issues holding her bladder and she gets very anxious for her food/pills about 1-2 hours before it is time. I think she knows they make her feel better and they start to wear off around the 10 hour mark. I'm working on this, but there isn't much I can do!

On Tuesday, I had hoped to take Micah to a free musical performance and story hour at White Flint Mall, followed by a train ride, but the cleaning lady showed up pretty late. Unfortunately, we missed the musical performance and the story hour, and the thought of heading to the mall just to take Micah to the train ride seemed...daunting. I was afraid he wouldn't sit still and I'd be chasing him by myself around the mall and fighting him about leaving. So, I chickened out and decided to save that for another day...with help. Instead, I called up my parents and asked if they wanted to meet us for lunch! Micah and I drove over to pick up my mom up from the college and my Dad joined us a bit later. We just ate at noodles and company, and we had a good time. I have to say, it is so much easier on me now that Micah will eat pasta! After lunch, Micah took a nice nap. When he woke up, we watched an episode of Between the Lions, played a bit, and then I fed him dinner. Elliot surprised us by actually making it home before bedtime, so the day was a breeze.

On Wednesday, I spent the day downtown at a work meeting. It was actually good to "see and be seen" and I may have found a few additional jobs for the next year. We shall see how that pans out. I'd like to try and line everything up before Twoey arrives.

On Thursday morning, Elliot, Micah and I headed off to an ultrasound. We had a snafu with child care for Micah (honestly, I forgot to make arrangements in advance and our "go-to" babysitter was busy) so we brought him along. Twoey was great (and Micah behaved, too)! The appointment was quick, with very little news to report. She is still head down, and now turned in "birthing position" facing my back. That probably explains the back pain I've been experiencing, the change in my contractions, and all the extra pressure on my bladder. Her heart rate was perfect, and then we learned one other fun piece of information...she has hair! The ultrasound tech thought she had A LOT of hair, so Twoey may come out with as much hair as Micah. I'm going to be prepared - I'm going to buy one of those little clippy bows so we can take a picture of her with a bow clipped on her beautiful locks! Elliot made sure to ask the tech if she could tell the color of her hair (my mother is DYING to know if this baby will be a redhead), but the tech was decidedly uncooperative (ha!). Once she realized we were just teasing (we obviously know you cannot tell color from the ultrasound) she announced that it looked white on the screen (as hair always does). I said I knew premature grey hair ran on my mom's side of the family - poor baby! So, hair color (and true quantity) will still be a surprise, but there is hope that Twoey will have luscious locks like Micah.

After the ultrasound, I hosted a mini "playgroup" at our house - I invited a few of the other parents who are normally in our Thursday class (we are on hiatus for another week). Only one was able to come over, but the boys played together for a few hours. Well, I should say they mostly played independently, but occasionally Micah was not so nice to Alex. He does not like to share his toys, and he can scream if others get too close and he will sometimes fight for toys. We're working on it, but I feel like we are not making much progress. The good news is that by the end of the playdate, Micah was walking over to Alex and hugging and kissing him. It was adorable! Of course, Alex looked quite perturbed and a bit frightened - he had that "Weren't you just beating me up and now you are kissing me?" look on his face.

Friday was another work day, but somehow things just seem so hectic right now. I've been working on getting a proposal done, and I've been trying to wrap up a bunch of deliverables before the baby arrives. In addition, we've been trying to figure out how to handle these renovations. We are currently over budget (not a shock, right)? I could post a whole separate post just about the renovations (and probably should) but the short version is we hired a builder to keep us on budget. We did expand our project, he told us dollar amounts for the things we were adding, we felt we could afford it, and then he came back with the final total cost and it was significantly higher than his numbers led us to believe it would be. Every time we try to cut things back out, the price doesn't seem to drop. So, we are at an impasse right now. Because of the delays, we no longer think we can move back into my condo during the renovations. My condo really only has 2 bedrooms (3 if you count the downstairs room). We thought that would be fine while the baby was small, but now she might be 2 or 3 months old when we move, and we really feel she needs her own room upstairs now. So, we are in a mad dash to get my place on the market and hope it sells before we need to rent a place. What a mess! We are both pretty pissed we've held on to the condo all this time to not even live in it again, but what can we do now?

On Saturday, our friends Niki and Eric hosted a party at their house. It was a ton of fun - they have a fantastic back yard with swings and toys, and they put out sprinklers and baby pools for the kids. We snacked and socialized and played all afternoon, and it was really a fun day. I actually ran into an old co-worker there - her daughter and my friend Niki's son are in preschool together. Micah loved the slide and playing basketball, and he loved the snack table..he personally ate all the goldfish, the animal crackers, and half the fruit platter! There was also a climb-in Thomas the Tank Engine that Micah loved riding. Eventually, we moved inside, and Micah spent about an hour playing on a piano! He has seen and used toy pianos before, but he had never had the opportunity to play on a real piano. He was sitting on the bench, banging away - and I have to say, it even sounded somewhat melodic! I think he might just have some musical talent in there. Time got away from us, and we had to do a mad dash home around 8:15 pm. We literally threw Micah into the tub for a quick rinsing (he was so dirty from being outside all day!) and then plopped him into bed.

Sunday was another crazy day for us. Micah woke up extra early, and it was a long morning. We were trying to get things in order and keep him entertained, but he was really cranky. We tried putting him down for a nap around 1, and the little bugger woke up screaming at 2! I think he has more teeth coming in (not that he lets me into his mouth to inspect). We had no luck getting him back to sleep, so Elliot decided to take him outside for a walk and to run errands. I guess I lost track of time while they were out (I was trying to get some work and cleaning done). They did not arrive home until almost 4, and I suddenly realized I still needed to shower and we were supposed to be at a picnic for Micah's daycare already! We did not make it there until about 5, but we had a nice time. There was pizza, some activities, and good music. Micah was playing with a soccer ball most of the time, and he had fun wandering all over the field and getting into trouble.

Yesterday (Monday), Micah started off the morning in daycare, but we pulled him out early because we had his follow-up appointment with the ophthalmologist. One funny story - apparently, when they changed his diaper, he looked at the caretaker and said "stinky." That is what we always say when he poops - I tend to say "stinky, stinky Mr. Micah." Funny - it never dawned on me that he would pick it up! Anyway, Micah's appointment went quite well, although we were waiting forever to be seen. Micah was excited about the Cars movie on the screen - he kept saying car and vroom vroom. He also grabbed a Thomas the Tank Engine book and wanted us to read that to him (we may have a new obsession we will have to "feed.") The good news is his optic nerve still looks great, and there is no sign of any swelling or pressure in his brain. So, surgery for the craniosynostosis is still unnecessary. The other good news...Micah does not need glasses (for now). He definitely is far-sighted, but it is not outside the range of normal for children. The bigger concern is that there is at least a half diopter difference between his two eyes, which *could* be a sign that he is developing amblyopia (lazy eye) - which I have. For now, the doctor just wants to continue monitoring things. He feels that he can see well enough for walking and learning. We do not have to go back for another year! He would also suggest bringing the baby in when she is about a year old, so I'll bring the two of them in together next year.

One new problem that has cropped up this week...I think Micah is a bit too attached to television. I usually only have him watch 30 minutes - 1 hour of educational television a day (all PBS shows). He usually does not ask for the tv, but if he sees the remote he sometimes climbs on the couch and fusses indicating he wants to watch tv. BUT, if we put on his show for 30 minutes, he gets VERY upset when it ends. Tempertantrum kind of upset. He kicks and screams and throws his head back and points and fusses. It is quite a sight! I try to distract him, and I do not give in and let him get more television as a reward for that behavior, but I really hate that he is starting to do this. I'm hoping it is a phase and that he will learn that when the show is over, tv is finished. I really only put it on at times when he is a bit cranky/clingy, or if I need to keep him busy while I prepare his food for dinner or before bed time. I also find that when he is getting really wild and destructive, the tv is a good way to get him to calm down and focus and relax. We sing songs with the tv, go over the letters and words, and I do think he is learning from these shows. The other time it comes up - in the mornings and evenings, Elliot likes to watch the news. If Micah sees the tv on and it isn't his show, he has started getting mad and tries to force us to put on his show. My solution for that has been shutting the tv off. If we cannot have it on at all, then that is what we will have to do.