Good Day Today

Today was a good day. My supply seems to be doing a little better (although we still have a way to go), and Micah seems to be eating better. One of my best friends came over today to watch the inauguration and help me out with the feeds. We even managed to go OUT to lunch today! It was the first time I took Micah to a restaurant. We just went down the street, and we made it back in plenty of time. I even got to take a bit of a nap. Micah is currently napping with Elliot on the couch.

I've got another lactation consultant coming tomorrow - wish me luck!

Don't tell me to relax

I REALLY hate when people just tell me to solve a problem by "relaxing." When we were trying to get pregnant, that was a phrase worth murdering over. I mean, seriously, if someone told you they had a blocked artery and were on the verge of having a heart attack, would you tell them "relax and it will go away?" Sometimes, there are real problems and "relaxing" just doesn't make them go away (especially when "stress" isn't the root of the problem). When we were trying to get pregnant, if I had just "relaxed" instead of actively seeking help, we still wouldn't be parents. I don't think seeking help and answers is stressing . . . it is being proactive.

Well, now that I have a baby, my current challenge relates to Micah's eating issues. We have a real problem - it isn't being caused by stress, so I'm fairly certain that "relaxing" won't fix the problem. Problem #1 - Micah doesn't latch well or nurse efficiently. So, we have to use a nipple shield to get him to latch, but he still doesn't nurse efficiently. As a result, we have Problem #2 - a low milk supply. Because he doesn't nurse efficiently, my milk supply is low -which makes it more difficult for him to nurse efficiently. Can you see the catch-22 we have? Then, add in Problem #3 - Micah doesn't have appropriate hunger cues. When left to his own devices, because of the inefficient nursing, he will nurse himself into a state of exhaustion . . . at which point, he is in such deep sleep that he won't wake up to let us know he is hungry and nurse again. Because he doesn't then nurse often enough and efficiently, it affects my milk supply, so then I don't have enough to feed him when he is nursing, etc., etc.

So, I'm in this endless cycle. I can't just follow his cues and let him feed on demand, because he doesn't demand enough, and I don't make enough. We need to increase demand to increase supply, but he isn't capable of increasing his demand. So, I have to help him get the energy to increase the demand. We have to limit his nursing sessions so he doesn't get so exhausted, and we have to help him nurse more efficiently by using techniques like breast compression so he can maximize output in the shorter time. I have to pump after each feeding to increase demand, and I have to actively wake him up and make sure he is eating at least 8 times/day (some say 10-12, but hey - I'm lucky if I can get this guy to eat 8x/day).

Now, the next problem. He also has to gain weight at an appropriate rate - which requires a certain caloric intake. Since I don't make enough milk, we have to supplement with whatever pumped breast milk we can get plus formula. So - a rational person asks how much formula, right? Well, we can't "use the baby" as our guide - he'll fall asleep after a feed even if he hasn't eaten enough . . . and stay asleep for 4-5 hours. So, the only other thing we can do is go by number of ounces of intake. How do you determine how much a nursing baby is getting? Well, you have to weigh him before and after each feed. And, unlike formula-fed babies, a nursing baby can take in vastly different amounts of breast milk with each feed. Micah can take in anywhere from 1 ounce to 2.5 ounces in a feeding on the breast. If he gets 2.5, I do not have to supplement, but if he only gets 1 ounce, I need to supplement. Hard to just "relax" and "wing it" with that kind of range. We tried to just offer him bottles and see if he would take them. The answer is, he will - even if he ISN'T hungry. If he is full and he over-eats, he then vomits, which also isn't good for him.

So, we are stuck in this awful cycle. Or I should say I am stuck in this cycle. Feeding Micah is a real chore, and I have no clear feedback for how much and what he needs. I cannot trust his cues because apparently, he has been suppressing his hunger cues due to exhaustion and self-preservation. So, somehow I need to get him to latch better, nurse better, and increase my supply, and to do this, he needs to be adequately fed NOW, and I have to figure out what that means with no cues from him. And to do all that, the only guide I have is how many ounces he is taking in at each feeding. How, exactly, am I supposed to just "relax?" If I don't pump after each feeding, my supply crashes. If I don't weigh him, I don't know how much to supplement him. If I'm by myself, the process of feeding Micah is horribly challenging - nursing now takes 30-40 minutes, then the diaper change, and the weight checks, and the bottle supplement, and the pumping (and try pumping with a baby who wants to be held after being fed). It just isn't easy to do all alone. But hey . . . maybe if I just relaxed, the baby wouldn't cry, my boobs would pump themselves, he will miraculously start latching and nursing efficiently, and my supply will overnight reach the sustainable level.

Okay - I have to go walk and feed the dog so I can undress the baby, weigh the baby, nurse the baby, weigh the baby, change the baby's diaper, re-dress the baby, bottle supplement the baby, burp the baby, get the baby to relax, and then pump. That ought to leave me about 20 minutes before I start all over again . . . is that enough time to "relax?"

Don't get me wrong . . . I love being a mom - but I wish feeding him wasn't so complicated. We've been doing this routine for one week, and I just don't think this is a workable long-term solution. And please . . . no lectures about just formula feeding or whatever else you think the solution is.

I hate Sears Portrait Studio

This week, Micah turned one month old! I decided that it would be a good idea to take monthly "formal" pictures of him throughout this year, so today I decided to venture out to get his first set of pictures. I did some searching, and the best deal around here was actually at JC Penney. Unfortunately, the JC Penney Portrait Studios are not exactly convenient. One is located at Wheaton Plaza (needless to say, after the recent shootings there, I'm not comfortable spending much time there anymore) and the other is located at Lakeforest Mall, which is about 25 minutes from here. Normally, I wouldn't think twice about going 25 minutes to the mall, but with Micah's complicated feeding schedule, I was a bit reticent to attempt such a long trip for our first real outing. After doing some research, I found a deal on the Sears Portrait Studio web site - $9.99 for a 35 picture assortment plus the sitting fee. While this is more expensive than JC Penney's because of the sitting fee (it was free at JC Penney), I decided the convenience factor was worth the extra money, so I booked an appointment there for 1:00 pm today.

Last night, Micah decided to wake up every 2 hours to nurse. I was actually exhausted today because I spent most of the night nursing and pumping. At 9:30, the contractors showed up to continue working on the renvoations (I can't believe they are still working on this house). At 10:00, my friend Erica called about coming by. I realized very quickly that Micah would be due for a feeding right around 1:30 or 2:00, so I decided that moving the 1:00 pm appointment to 3:00 pm was a better idea. When Erica showed up, all of the furniture was in the middle of the room, and half of the house was covered with big, thick plastic because of the work. Naturally, I had to nurse Micah again while she was here. It was a crazy morning as I was trying to juggle Micah, the contractors, and Erica. Unfortunately, Elliot spent the whole early morning on the phone, so he didn't end up helping much with the feedings, and then he left to go to a meeting. Trying to breastfeed, supplement, weigh, change and dress the baby, then pump, is quite challenging and time consuming to do all alone. He kept screaming when I was pumping, and he had a few diaper explosions.

I was kind of overwhelmed trying to do it all, answer the questions for the contractors, etc. By 1:00, I realized that I STILL hadn't taken my morning medication or eaten. I then thought about the next feeding I had to do before leaving, and packing up the car and getting everything together for our little trip, and I was a bit worried that it was a bad idea to go. At that exact moment, my mom called . . . and I vented. She immediately told me I should call my dad and he would help. About 5 minutes after we hung up the phone, my dad called and asked what time and where he should meet me.

My dad showed up around 2:00. He held Micah while I finished pumping, then gave him his bottle supplement while I took my medication and ate something. I noticed immediately that while Micah had been awake all morning, he was in a deep food coma. I immediately knew he wouldn't be waking up for the photos. Nevertheless, we got him dressed, and my dad helped put him in the carseat while I organized the diaper bag. My dad informed me he had figured out the correct entrance to the mall and where to park closest to the portrait studio (a thought that never occurred to me). I suddenly realized that we were without the stroller frame - Elliot took the car that had the stroller frame in the trunk! Once again, I was relieved my dad was there - the carrier probably would have been too heavy for me to carry alone with all the other stuff.

We got to Sears, and we were all ready for the sitting . . . and Micah was still unconscious. The woman set up a white background and a white pillow. I kept waiting for her to put some of the cute blankets out, or the baby stuff, or change the background, and she never did. She took 5 pictures, and that was it. I thought that perhaps they digitized the color background once it was uploaded to the computer. While we waited for the photographer to do a few things, my dad asked me to walk with him to the Build-a-Bear Workshop so he could build a bear for Micah. It was so cute! We got him a scruffy dog. When we went back to Sears, I picked out the picture I liked best, but I was really disappointed by the white backdrop. She then tells me it will cost $17.99 for 1 8x10. I then explained I was there for the $9.99 package advertised on the web. She said that all their packages began at $99, and I must have the price wrong. I again repeated the offer, and she said that they only have coupon offers, nothing on the internet. We called the manager, who tried to tell us the internet rates were not for in-store sittings, but internet sittings (huh? how do you do a photo shoot over the internet? with a web cam?). I used my trustee Treo to access the ad, and I read it to her - it said "Everyday Special." It was clear that this was an everyday package deal, no coupon required. Eventually, the manager honored the price, but it took us 1/2 hour.

So . . . we got the price we wanted, and the picture of Micah is kind of cute, but I'm very unhappy with the selected background and the fact that the photographer failed to use any of the props in the picture (no toys, no blankets, nothing!). Bottom line - I wouldn't go back there for anything. I have a coupon for JC Penney that I intend to use next month. Let's hope they do a better job!

After the entire ordeal, we came racing home, just in time for another feed. My father was nice enough to stay with me longer so he could take care of Micah while I pumped. Then, in classic Daddy style, he fell asleep on the couch and stayed another 2 hours sleeping. I'm just glad today is done . . . I'm exhausted and in need of some serious sleep.

Breast Feeding Support Group

Yesterday, I attended a breastfeeding support group . . . which, I have to say, is kind of a strange thing for me to do. I'm SOOO not a joiner - I hate to be around a group of strangers, and I hate to have to show up somewhere on a schedule. But, we are having issues, I kind of thought it would be nice to meet some other new parents who are dealing with breastfeeding crap, and mostly, I just wanted to get out of the house! I've been so worried about how to take Micah anywhere and deal with feeding, and I figured if I was going to give it a try, being around a lactation consultant and a bunch of breastfeeding women was probably the smartest idea I'd had in a while.

So, I fed Micah and put him in the carseat. I packed up the pump and the diaper bag, and off we went! We got to the session a few minutes late, but it was more of a drop-in session anyway. The group is hosted by the Shady Grove Adventist Health Group, and it is called the B.E.S.T. group. Micah mostly slept the entire time I was there. I have to say, I met several ladies around my age with new children who had dealt with some of the same challenges. It was actually kind of nice to hear! The lactation consultant gave us some good resources and some encouragement. I ended up needing to feed Micah there (and they had a scale so it all worked out for me). I did not realize how difficult it would be to put Micah down and pump there - he just wanted to be held, and I couldn't figure out how to pump and cuddle him at the same time. Every other feeding we've been doing the pumping, Elliot or my mom has been around to hold him while I pump.

The down side to the meeting was one crazy woman who was there . . . I really could write an entire blog post about how inappropriate she was. She kept talking about her upcoming book, and how she was all about being "all natural" so she was going to feed her baby soy milk (um, hello - isn't breast milk the preferred course of action to be "all natural?"). She kept trying to be the "facilitator" for the session - and she was NOT supposed to be the facilitator, nor did she have a clue about breastfeeding. She would take our questions and re-phrase them into something ridiculous and irrelevant and derail the conversation. Anytime side-conversations started (and remember, it is a drop-in, informal support group, so I would think these side-conversations would be desirable) she would ask us to stop talking and save it so she could follow all the different stories. I really wanted to strangle her the entire time. Oh, and did I mention she didn't have a baby yet? She was pregnant and just looking for information, but I really felt someone who was not there with an actual issue shouldn't be DRIVING the discussion - she should have sat back and observed/learned.

So, I learned a lot about nipples and bottles and supplementing and pumping and feeding techniques and got a list of resources for low milk supply. I think I'm now armed and dangerous!

My Breast Pump Talks

Once I tell you this, I am certain you will think I am crazy (well, even crazier). Apparently, I am now officially delusional. This morning, when I woke up at 5:30 am to try and pump, I became convinced that my breast pump talks. The motor makes this grinding noise that actually sounds like a word. Well, really a phrase. I kept hearing over and over again while I pumped:

"GET AWAY!"

I woke Elliot up to make him listen. He thought I was nuts and it wasn't saying "Get away." I then thought maybe it was saying "Natalie." At my next pumping session, the "Get away" mantra melded into "Oedipus" at one point before doing a chorus of "Natalie" and then returning to "Get away." This last pumping session, it pretty consistently chanted "Get away" at me (with a few "Natalie" lines thrown in). I have to say, I think I hate my breast pump as much as it hates me. I'd like nothing better than to throw it through the big picture windows in our dining room . . . but we did just pay to replace them all, so that would be foolish.

So . . . who is planning to be the first to call the crazy authorities on me?