Love/Hate Relationship with Breastfeeding

I would say I am having a love/hate relationship with breastfeeding - and I'm pretty darn sick of it! I kind of thought after having challenges getting pregnant, and then struggling through the pregnancy with morning sickness, UTIs and pre-term contractions, that once Micah was here things would get easier. Naturally, that just wasn't the case. We had all those eating issues the first week. Then, once we got the issues under control and he started gaining weight, I figured it would be smooth sailing from there, right? Wrong again! Micah caught a cold last week, and we've been on this eating spiral ever since.

Last night, I thought everything was actually back to "normal" and okay. I figured he had been eating every 3 1/2 hours all day, and nursing for a relatively "normal" amount of time for us (20-40 minutes a side) and then falling easily back to sleep or staying contentedly awake for a bit before dozing off. No cluster feeding, and then we put him down at 1:30 or 2 and he slept until 6 am. We couldn't believe how great things were going!

Before things normalized yesterday, I was still worrying about whether Micah was eating enough or gaining enough weight and if my milk supply was sufficient. I called an LC and was invited to join a semi-private class this morning. I gave a non-committal "maybe" thinking it depended on whether Micah slept or cluster-fed or what time his morning feed was. Since he woke up at 6 and the class started at 10, I actually figured that it might be pretty decent timing. I fed him from 6 - 7:30 (he fell asleep a few times, and we changed his diaper and his outfit) and I put him back down. At 9:30 when I picked him up, he was still out cold - I figured I had enough time to get to class to feed him, so off I went!

I was feeling pretty confident when I got to class. I was mostly interested in working on latching without the nipple shield and seeing if we were using the nipple shield correctly. I have to say, I was a bit horrified by the LC. She was incredibly scattered, and much of her advice seemed to contradict all the other LCs I've consulted thus far. And her 2 year old daughter . . . well, there is just no way to say this nicely, but she was OBESE. I mean I'd guess she weighed over 50 lbs. She had 3 or 4 chins, and her waist was bigger than mine . . . probably even when I was 9 months pregnant. This poor child could barely walk normally. And she spent the ENTIRE time we were there eating! She drank 3 8 oz glasses of chocolate milk (mind you, I was there for 1 1/2 hours), and then nursed for 20 minutes, then had some crackers, and then ate a sandwich. I had a hard time taking bf'ing advice from a woman who allowed her child to get that obese (yes, I'm passing judgment - I have no idea what is going on there, but I think an overweight child should not be consuming that much sugar and chocolate).

So after I got there, we set Micah up, and she weighed him, and we tried to get him to latch/nurse without the shield. He did for a bit, but then he was getting hungry and frustrated so I put the shield on. The LC suggested I try a smaller shield, and she gave it to me and just placed it over the nipple. When I asked her about proper attachment, she said she doesn't bother with any of that. I was a bit surprised, but decided to set aside what other LCs had taught me and try and trust this woman and her methods.

She said he was nursing well at first, but then later she urged me to switch sides, then said he was nursing too long and thought he wasn't taking much in. We weighed him after he'd been nursing for about 45 minutes or so, and he had consumed about 1.3 ozs. Not bad, but definitely not enough. I kind of lost it - this whole process has been so frustrating, and I just don't know what to do next. I really think he was doing fine before he got sick, but now I'm not even sure of that.

I noticed that my nipple didn't seem to be fitting as well in this shield as it did in the other ones, and I decided that perhaps the nipple shield was interfering with how he was nursing. I put my own shield back on, and re-latched Micah. He ate again for a while, and started to doze off. She re-weighed him, and in a shocked voice informed me he had eaten another .9 ozs - so 2.2 ozs total for the feed (about where he needed to be). Her concern was that it took him over 1 hour to get that much, and she felt my supply might be a bit low.

I was pretty upset at this point. I knew we'd been having issues, but it just sucks hearing it. And the options don't thrill me. I can either supplement with formula (which will do nothing to increase my supply, and because I'm allergic to coconut oil, giving Micah formula and trying to nurse gives me horrible rashes). Or, I can go back to pumping every 3 hours - another thought that depresses me a bit. There is also no guarantee that pumping every 3 hours will increase my supply, either - or help Micah nurse more efficiently.

So, I'm stuck. I could just throw in the towel on nursing (and yes, I know there is nothing wrong with bottle-feeding babies, but with my allergy, I have a different set of concerns about using formula and how it will affect how I interact with Micah). Or, I could try and pump every 3 hours, and increase my supply, and work on shortening Micah's feedings and teaching him to be a more efficient nurser AND teaching him how to latch without a nipple shield AND supplementing with pumped milk after each feeding until he can properly nurse on his own (which may never happen). So I'm stuck. I'm not sure if it is worth continuing to fight this battle (or even the smart thing to do). I'm tired of fighting, but there is a part of me that is just stubborn and I want to win this battle. My reluctance to bottle feeding formula really isn't about bonding, or which way is "better" or anything like that. I really do think it is mostly about winning this battle because I hate not being able to make things work, and part of it has to do with my fears about my coconut oil allergy (and no, you cannot buy any commercial formulas that are made without coconut oil). And part of me is ready for this to be easy, and I know bottle feeding would be so much easier (with the exception of my contact dermatitis rashes I'll have for the next 11 months because of my allergy).

So . . . that is my love/hate relationship with breastfeeding. For today, we are going to weigh him before/after each feeding, and try and supplement with pumped breastmilk to make sure he gets 2 - 2 1/2 ozs at each feeding. I'm going to pump after each feeding, and maybe in between, too, to try and increase my supply. We'll see where we are and then try and figure out what to do next.

Rough Week

This week has been tough. Micah has been struggling with a cold, and then it affected his eating/nursing. We've been having a difficult time getting back on track. He seems to be feeling much better, but he is still congested. At the doctor's appointment on Thursday (we went in to have him checked for his cold), he had only gained 4 ounces - about 5 ounces less than we would have liked. We have no way to know whether this slowed weight gain is merely due to his cold or if it signifies a bigger eating issue.

I'm a bit frustrated right now with breastfeeding. He was doing a great job eating, and we were on a pretty good schedule until he got sick. He wouldn't eat for about a day, so I had to pump and bottle feed him. All I can say is this began a long cycle of crazy stuff . . . first I was feeling like I had an oversupply, and then it felt like my milk supply crashed. Micah finally got his appetite back, but he has been cluster-feeding pretty much non-stop for the past several days. We finally resorted to giving him a few bottle formula supplements because I just couldn't nurse him that many hours a day. I think he was nursing for about 12 hours straight on Thursday and Friday. Yesterday was better during the day, but then Micah would not stop nursing overnight and would not go down to sleep. I had a horrible migraine, so after nursing him for 9 hours (with about 45 minutes of breaks TOTAL), I finally told Elliot to give him a bottle of formula so I could try and sleep my migraine off. I've been concerned that Micah is nursing like crazy because he isn't getting enough from me. The formula did the trick last night and Micah finally slept for 5 hours straight. He seems to be nursing more "normally" today - we'll see what happens tonight. He has been difficult to wake for his feedings today, so I'm concerned we are on a bad cycle here.

I've tried calling a few lactation consultants. Right now, everyone seems to think this is just a growth spurt (although I'm not convinced). Did I mention he is pooping green? I am concerned this means there is an issue with my milk, but who knows. He isn't exhibiting other symptoms of a foremilk/hindmilk issue (and he nurses for very long periods of time - sometimes 30-50 minutes on each breast - and yes, he is actively nursing that WHOLE time). I may have another appointment with a lactation consultant tomorrow.

Overall, today was a good day. Niki and Eric and their kids came by to bring us bagels for breakfast and take a tour of our house. I then went to meet a new contractor to get a price quote on fixing up my condo for resale. Micah has been nursing easily and quickly going down for his naps today, but tonight will be the real test. I'm still obsessing about his weight (and my milk supply) and whether everything is okay, but I'm trying to hang in there for a few more days.

My baby is sick

My poor little guy is sick . . . he is running a bit of a fever, and he is definitely congested. I can't get him to wake up and eat today. I called the doctor, and there isn't much I can do for him. I just hope he starts feeling better soon!

In good news, Micah did latch 2x in the past 24 hours without the nipple shield. He didn't nurse that long, but he did latch, so there is hope that we'll get off the nipple shield eventually!

Sleep Schedules and Play Groups

Micah is eating well and definitely growing. I think he sounds a bit congested - not really shocking after the past week that Elliot and I have been so sick. We've had more than a few sick people around, unfortunately - I guess he was bound to get sick, too. The good news is that most nights, Micah seems to give us a 5 or 6 hour stretch between feedings - kind of surprising for such a small baby! now that we have him in the secure sleeper, he will even sleep in the bassinet, too. I have noticed that Micah rarely wakes up and cries because he is hungry. I've just been waking him for feedings throughout the day and letting him sleep at night, but I think he would sleep most of the day and skip eating. Not sure how this child could be related to me and Elliot!! I'll have to ask the pediatrician next week if that is normal.

I'm finally starting to come back to the land of the living. I feel like most of my days revolve around feeding and diapers, and I feel like I should be *doing* more to stimulate both me and Micah. The weather isn't nice, so daily walks are not on the table. I'm thinking about starting back with yoga maybe next week, and I want to get back into swimming for exercise - maybe start toning everything back up again. I also looked up the dates for a Baby & Me class at the community center - the next one starts on February 2, and I intend to register for it! Several of my friends with children have said they made several good friends in this same class and found a playgroup for their children, so I'm hoping it will bring us good luck as well.

I also found out that there is this mommy group that includes different weekly activities for 6 weeks - each week, the group meets in a new location for an activity. They offer a singing session, an infant massage session, a photo session, a fitness session, a meeting with a pediatrician, and a class at a children's fitness place. It sounds like it might be fun to try! There is a session that starts next week (and the sessions are for babies 1 month to 1 year old), but I'm thinking that maybe I should wait and join the March course when Micah is older (especially since I haven't even brought him out into public yet). I also checked into baby swimming lessons - but I can't enroll him until he is 6 months old, so that will have to wait until summer time. I guess I'm looking forward to starting to do more.

I am also all set to attend my big conference at the end of the month. I'll be doing 4 presentations and attending 2 all-day meetings. Elliot will be coming as well, and I signed him up to do a presentation. Hopefully it will bring in some work for both of us! We decided to bring my mom along for the trip to help take care of Micah, so it should be a fun trip to Orlando.

Happy New Year!

I can't believe it is 2009! Micah got to meet his great grandmother on New Year's Day to celebrate her birthday and spend some time with her. Elliot and I made a birthday cake for her (truth be told, Elliot baked the cake and made the icing, and I decorated the cake). Seeing my Grammy with Micah was really wonderful - she kept saying how beautiful he was. I'm not sure if she knew who he was all the time, but she seemed happy to have him there. For someone with dementia, you just have to focus on the moments.

I'm finally feeling better (I'm a bit worried about Micah, though - he keeps sneezing!) and we've gotten Micah to sleep for 5 hour stretches 3 nights in a row so far! We tried the secure sleeper, and that really does seem to help a lot. He has really been fairly awake today - we played a bit, and we chatted, too. Of course, now I'm wondering what exactly to DO with him when he is awake. I sing, but that has to hurt his ears!! I'm not sure what toys he should play with or how best to stimulate him. We tried the playmat again today - he got upset after about 5 minutes on it. I gave him a funky rattle/plastic loopy thing (I think it is called a winkle?) and he seemed to like that . . . for a few minutes. He got cranky the last time he was awake, so I put him in the swing and he zonked back out again. We've played music and I've chatted with him and read him a book. I guess I'm just not sure if I'm doing this "right." I've never been so unsure of so many things in my life!